Fears, Oh My!

In an effort to exercise my writing muscles, I've decided to take on the 30 Days of Blogging Prompts. I got the idea from Brooke from Covered in Grace (30 Days of Blogging Prompts) who got the idea from @ Lashes & Beard. Today I am doing "Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears."

This one is sort of a struggle to write not because of the fears but because I am not really sure what they are... at least not legitimate fears.

MICE
Sounds silly, right, that I am afraid of mice. Now, I am not afraid of mice that have been pets or caged up. At least I don't think that I am. But I am afraid of the ones who hang out in my kitchen and scurry around in the dark looking for food that is not theirs to eat.

I live in NYC and having mice in your apartment is pretty likely no matter where you live or how clean you are. My last apartment had an infestation. They had done construction on the basement that I think must have stirred up a colony of mice. To top that the apartment right next door had been under construction for the entire 4 years I lived there. So I think they migrated up the 5 flights and decided to make my apartment and that gutted apartment theirs. We had weeks where we saw 1 or 2 a day. Our landlord refused to do much more than give us sticky traps.... so in turn i killed 1 or 2 a day... i am not kidding. So this made me a little jumpy. The straw happened when i was in my room and my hangers started moving on their own. Yes they made it to my room. I moved out soon after. In my current apartment we have had a problem too but not to the extent as before. They show up for a week or so and then disappear for 3-6 months. Its usually a tiny little guy that lives in and on our stove.

Still i am afraid of them. I am more afraid of how sneaky they are. I am afraid that i will step on them or that they will scurry up my leg. Not rational and I know it! Yet I am still afraid.


DEATH OF A PARENT
Over the last few years the reality that my parents are getting older is becoming more real. In the grand scheme of things they are still young. Most people live to be in their 80s but they are reaching ages where the risks are higher and the reality is, well, more real. With my mom's health scare this year, it has become even more obvious that I am not promised to have them forever. The fear of losing them is becoming a daily thing lately. I often find myself wanting to call them every day just to make sure they are OK and doing well. I also find myself wanting to play parent to them. I want to beg them to take very good care of themselves. Not in judgement but purely out of fear that i could one day lose them. I watch my mom struggle with taking care of her ailing mother (95) and hope that I get to do that with her one day. I know that's not ideal for my mom but I hope that I have plenty more years to be with her.


NOT HAVING A FAMILY OF MY OWN
I am turning 37 soon and the reality that I will be single and childless for the rest of my life gets more real every year. I won't go into it too much here but this is an overwhelming fear of mine.  I legitimately want a family. I am not overly proactive nor do I complain about my current status much but it is a fear on mine that is very real.  You can read a little more about this here.

What are some of your fears?  If you've written a post about it, link them up below in the comments section. I'd love to hear them!

Have a great week!

Did She Really Write That?

So if you've been reading my blog at all lately, you know that I resolved to 13 Goals for 2013.  I am not a huge resolution girl.  Not because i don't agree with them but I am like everyone else in that i don't stick with them.  But almost everything on my list is something I have wanted to work on for a while I just haven't made them priorities. So I thought if I made a list and then blogged about it I would do better at holding to it. 

So one of my "Goals" was to meet my husband in 2013.

...

I feel like i should write several disclaimers before moving forward.

- Its going to be that kind of post. The one where i get very personal

- I am not that girl... the one who is obnoxiously looking for a husband or whines all the time that i am single or want a husband.

- The fact that I am writing about what i am writing about is a HUGE step for me.

Ok so now that is out in the open, I will tell you why this is goal for 2013.  

FIRST, Its not really a goal... Its more like a desire. A dream. A hope. A wish. A prayer.  

Next month, I turn 37.  When I stop and think about how old that is in my head I am discouraged.  I thought I would be in a totally different place at 37 than I am.  Most days I don't think about that. I live my life, happy and content with where God has me. But some days I stop and it hits me. 

I am not that girl. The one who thinks getting married will complete me, the one who looks at every single man as a potential suitor.  But I am the girl who legitimately wants to get married and have a family. If you asked me what my dream life would be I would want to answer with "be a Wife and Mother."  Its kinda how i was created yet I am still single.  

Some days my confidence wains and I wonder What Is Wrong With Me?  I am not unattractive. I am pretty easy to get along with. I can be pretty funny.  But for some reason, I am never anyone's first or second choice.  I haven't even dated anyone since I moved to New York 10 years ago.  Now, part of that I am sure is NYC.  I am not a party girl. I don't like bars/clubs. I am pretty clear on wanting to date and marry a strong Christian man and for 80% of the time I have been in New York I have worked on a church staff so I have easily cut down my pool.  I get that but still.  

I also feel (on good days) that I am happy with my life... for the most part.  Sometimes I think changing up how that works keeps me from really being proactive (whatever that means).   

Lets pause there... what does that mean?  How does one "Be proactive" in the world of dating?  If you aren't an overly social person. If you have pretty high standards on the whole "Christian" thing then how do you meet people?  How do you "get yourself out there?"  Its not like I am a hermit. I am part of two churches in NYC...  The only men "out there" in my circles are married or 10-15 years younger than me.  Seriously stunts your options.

Anyway, one of the ways you can get yourself out there these days is online dating.  For years I avoided it.  But this summer I joined one of those sights.  I spent way too much money (that i don't have) on one of those sights.  And to be totally honest, I spend more time feeling discouraged and depressed after spending time on there.  They say that they match you based on certain criteria... but I have found that they really just match you with any man in a certain age range who lists "Christian" on their profile.  That's a lot of people.  As I read their profile I realize that I want more than a "Christian."  I want someone who is a growing believer in Jesus Christ. Someone that sees community as a necessity in their life.  Most of these guys are seem to only be christian in name and are not active in their community or for some in their faith.  Before you judge that statement, know that for the most part their profiles almost always reflect that.

I get that this post looks like I am venting. It also probably looks like I am pretty picky and maybe that is the issue.  Yes, in some ways I am venting but I don't think I am picky.  I just know what I need in my life partner.  If their faith isn't what gets them up in the morning. If it isn't what defines who they are and how they live their life then a partnership with me will not work.  I have plenty of non-believing, non "spiritual" friends whom I love and adore but the person I spend the rest of my life with and who I will raise a family with can't be one of those people.  So if that means I spend the rest of my life unmarried, then I'd prefer that over marrying someone who I can't share those common desires with.  I am not judging those who do not desire that, but for me that's what I need.

I think this post took on a totally different path than it started out as but I think it was good for me to write and hopefully good for someone to hear.  

I do want to say that yes this is a hope of mine. To be married. To have a family.  Its more than that really. Yes, some days my heart breaks that this isn't a real part of my life.  But most days, I am content with where I am at or at least I understand that being single right now is where the Lord wants me but the longing of my heart is to be with another person in holy union, serving and growing with the Lord.  Reconciling that overwhelming desire with where I am actually at is where my struggle lies most of the time. Some days it just doesn't line up.

Thanks for letting me process this with you!  I appreciate you taking your time to read my blog!  I get that some will disagree and even judge me based on this post! Some to the point of unfollow but for me and my corner of the blogisphere this was a much needed post to write. Thanks to those who stick by me through the honesty and rawness of posts like these. 

What's In A Name: SINGLEDOU[B]T Explained.

I realized this month that many of my friends & followers don't know the name of my blog... Some think its Single Doubt. Some think its Singledoubt.  Some have other ideas.  

I thought I'd take the time to explain not only the name of the site but also why it was chosen.  

The name Singledou[b]t is a play on words. Its actually both "Single Doubt" and "Singled Out", hence the [b].

When I was 16 years old I thought, like most teenagers, that I would be married by 22, kids by 26 and happily ever after. When 22 happened and passed as did the three year relationship I was in, I still thought I had time. Now I am 36 and husband and kids seems like a light that is about to go out, I often find myself doubting the one constant dream I have had for my life. But still in what often feels like the death of a dream, I am finding hope in my relationships and in my community.

As single people, you often find yourself being singled out, whether by expectations of others or expectations of yourself. Your married friends try and reassure you that there is someone out there for you. “In God’s Timing” they say or “You’re still young, you have plenty of time” but its hard to hold onto those statements when moment after moment, relationship after relationship, you find yourself without. Just when you begin to feel comfortable with who you are and where you are, someone decides to question the path you are on. You get statements like “Is there someone special in your life? Or What are you doing to get yourself out there?” Its statements like that that begin to creep into your psyche and make you doubt the path you are on and the God who is guiding you. People don’t realize how those little statements can cut to the core. Its like telling a young girl, “I wouldn’t eat that donut.” Its subtle statements like those that can make you question just who you are. 

As a Christian female, we are already singled out because of our faith, especially in New York City. Being a believer makes you somehow weak or limited in the eyes of so many. Being a strong confident woman can begin to feel like a chore, add onto that the expectation to date and have a family. Its somewhat safe in NYC to be single at 30 because its the norm, or rather more of the norm then where I am from. But being single amongst Christians, that’s a little more difficult. Add onto the fact that your sphere of influence doesn’t just mean NYC, its the people in the other corners of the world. 

But those expectations are nothing compared to the ones I have on myself. I am getting past the point of thinking that having a partner or family is what makes me, me... but there is still a longing in my soul to share a life with someone, to love someone so completely and to bring lives into the world, that are just your own. There is a longing to be loved by someone, to be cherished by someone. That doesn’t make me who I am, but what I desire. I think in some sense I avoided being defined by being single but now I am realizing its a very real part of who I am and what makes me, Me. I am on a path of finding out who I am not as a single person wanting a family but as a person wanting to live a Godly life.  This blog is a reflection of who I am day to day, what I am looking for, and the God who makes sense of it all. There will be moments of pure honesty. There will be moments of learning. There will be moments of humor. Its really just about the moments we have day to day, moment by moment. Living in them, loving them and learning from them.

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{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

"Do you really Hate being single?"

In a post I wrote on August 3, titled,  I'll Just be Honest - Part 1, I made a statement, "I  HATE being single."


One of my closest friends in the world sent me an email calling me on this statement. "Do you really HATE being single? Or do you just really desire to be married and have children? I don't think that the two things necessarily go together. I think that a person can deeply desire to be married RIGHT NOW, but also not detest being single"

Her words stirred something in me.  A truth was revealed in those few sentences.  When I started writing that post, I had a lot of things running through my mind.  I think I was contemplating life and my roll in it.  My direction in life has been constantly on my mind these days, wondering what I am doing and why.  The married vs. single thing always at the forefront.  I really wonder sometimes why I am still single.  But if I am honest....

Would I rather be married than single? Yes.  

Do I detest being single? No.