Running The Distance

I love to compare my relationship with the Lord to my running habits.  In this stage of life, its kind of appropriate.  This week I started running again and it brought to mind several parallels between the two.  

GETTING HEALTHY
Like my faith, I start running because I feel its a good way to get healthy.  The lethargic feeling, the extra padding around my waist, the tighter fitting clothes don't make me feel all that healthy and well.  I want to live and feel better so running is one of the biggest ways I try that. The same goes with the way I live out my faith.  When I am not actively seeking God's heart, I feel lethargic, directionless, and slow when it comes to who I see God as and even more so how i think God sees me. I stop trying. I stop feeling the urge to pursue a deeper relationship with him.  When I start doing the things that bring me back into a true and deep sense of the grace and peace of God I feel more healthy and together.

MOTIVATION
I don't know about you but I have found a dizzying pattern with my desire to run.  I feel the urge to start running again so I plan a day to run.  I am excited about the opportunity and often will guard against anything getting in the way of that run.  But then the day of the run hits and the motivation starts to fade.  The closer I get to the run, the more I don't want to do it.  I will do almost anything to get out of it without it being too obvious.  But in those occasions where I power through the urge to stay at home, I find the run exhilarating and definitely not as challenging as I thought it would be.  So I plan another run and am excited about the next run and the run after that.... but then right before that run, i not longer have a passion or desire to do anything requiring energy.  The same often goes with my spiritual life.  I see the need to grow deeper and I feel the pull of the spirit to learn more, go deeper, love more. So i make a plan. I pray for opportunities.  But without fail, when the opportunities arise I find myself preferring to watch TV, surf the web, or anything really other than that.  Like with running, when i power through the urge to be lazy, i am exited about what i see and what i learn.  Yet the next opportunity comes along and I find myself desiring to do the lesser thing.  I am not saying resting is bad but the absence of pursuit of the Father is not a good thing and I choose most things over Him many many times.

ENDURANCE
When running, I often listen to my body in regards to how long to run, how fast to run and even where to run.  When I am running, I often experience muscle and joint aches.  Most of the time, I am mentally aware enough to run through those aches.  I know my body enough, typically, to know a good pain and a bad pain and when to give in or slow down.  Often times the energy or the breathing is what gets me and many many times I am unaware that I have slowed down, even stopped running.  The initial burn I am aware of. If its a good day I can train myself to think of other things or focus on other areas. But sometimes I will go from a steady run to a walk without even realizing I've done it.  I think the same happens in my relationship with the Lord.  I am moving along, sometimes aware of his presence, sometimes not.  I feel confident, like i can take on the world.  But then I start to lose energy or I feel the pressure of outside sources, or worse, sin (past or present) creeps in and my stamina begins to waver.  If I am lucky, I notice it and begin praying for ways to move beyond the insecurity, the fear, and even the pride. But most of the time, I don't realize how bad things have gotten in my own life that i have completely given up.  Not in a conscious way but in a subconscious way. I no longer am seeking or even desiring a daily life with Him.  I am doing everything in my own energy and my own power which leaves me feeling deflated and exhausted.

RUNNING THE HILLS
Living in a place with lots of hills, I have accepted that in all of my runs I will face at least one hill if not 2 or 3. Some are super steep and others are mid-sized hills.  As you are running, you can typically see the hill coming.  I have this subconscious routine in my head where I decide as I approach the hill what my goal is.  For the smaller to mid sized hills, I typically tell myself to make it to the top before stopping. The speed at which I run the hill is negotiable but running the hill is not.  For the steeper/longer hills, I will give myself permission to stop at a certain point.  The reality though of these hills is that I rarely live up to the plan.  For the smaller/mid-sized hills I get about 2/3rds up and I am toast. I think I can't make it and like above, before i know it I stop mid run.  The issue is that, nothing is broken and rarely do I think I will pass out or die so I know its all a mental game.  This last week, i found myself stopping on a hill and as soon as I was conscious of the stop I said "NO, you have so little distance to go, get your butt up this hill." so I ran it.  I have to have conversations with myself. Sometimes Jillian Michaels is in my ear screaming at me.  These "hills" in my spiritual and emotional life are the hard times.  I am running along enjoying life and then a problem arrises. Sometimes I can see it coming but many times I can't.  If I am lucky enough to see it coming, I make a plan. I think of ways to guard my heart against the attacks I will face.  Ways to punch the doubts and fears directly on so that they don't stop me in my tracks.  Unfortunately though, life isn't always so subtle and the punches come out of nowhere, leaving me feeling winded, frustrated and isolated.  I often stop there in mid crisis and shut down spiritually. I give in to the emotions I am experiencing and let them define me.   Its never really a conscious thing. I don't realize i have gone there until its already there.  

OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGES
Like in running, there are times when you think you can't go any further. You're tired, in pain, and just feel alone.  But something causes you to keep going. Something gives you motivation to run the last bit with more energy than you had the entire run, at least in long distances they do.  The Spirit gives you the extra nudge to jump back into the routine of knowing and seeking the Lord.  You pick up the bible and read with fervor or more simply, you pray for the spirit to give you those things; desire, hope, perseverance.  You run the race for which you started and feel the excitement of getting to your destination.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 

1 Corinthians 9:24

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverancethe race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

Did She Really Write That?

So if you've been reading my blog at all lately, you know that I resolved to 13 Goals for 2013.  I am not a huge resolution girl.  Not because i don't agree with them but I am like everyone else in that i don't stick with them.  But almost everything on my list is something I have wanted to work on for a while I just haven't made them priorities. So I thought if I made a list and then blogged about it I would do better at holding to it. 

So one of my "Goals" was to meet my husband in 2013.

...

I feel like i should write several disclaimers before moving forward.

- Its going to be that kind of post. The one where i get very personal

- I am not that girl... the one who is obnoxiously looking for a husband or whines all the time that i am single or want a husband.

- The fact that I am writing about what i am writing about is a HUGE step for me.

Ok so now that is out in the open, I will tell you why this is goal for 2013.  

FIRST, Its not really a goal... Its more like a desire. A dream. A hope. A wish. A prayer.  

Next month, I turn 37.  When I stop and think about how old that is in my head I am discouraged.  I thought I would be in a totally different place at 37 than I am.  Most days I don't think about that. I live my life, happy and content with where God has me. But some days I stop and it hits me. 

I am not that girl. The one who thinks getting married will complete me, the one who looks at every single man as a potential suitor.  But I am the girl who legitimately wants to get married and have a family. If you asked me what my dream life would be I would want to answer with "be a Wife and Mother."  Its kinda how i was created yet I am still single.  

Some days my confidence wains and I wonder What Is Wrong With Me?  I am not unattractive. I am pretty easy to get along with. I can be pretty funny.  But for some reason, I am never anyone's first or second choice.  I haven't even dated anyone since I moved to New York 10 years ago.  Now, part of that I am sure is NYC.  I am not a party girl. I don't like bars/clubs. I am pretty clear on wanting to date and marry a strong Christian man and for 80% of the time I have been in New York I have worked on a church staff so I have easily cut down my pool.  I get that but still.  

I also feel (on good days) that I am happy with my life... for the most part.  Sometimes I think changing up how that works keeps me from really being proactive (whatever that means).   

Lets pause there... what does that mean?  How does one "Be proactive" in the world of dating?  If you aren't an overly social person. If you have pretty high standards on the whole "Christian" thing then how do you meet people?  How do you "get yourself out there?"  Its not like I am a hermit. I am part of two churches in NYC...  The only men "out there" in my circles are married or 10-15 years younger than me.  Seriously stunts your options.

Anyway, one of the ways you can get yourself out there these days is online dating.  For years I avoided it.  But this summer I joined one of those sights.  I spent way too much money (that i don't have) on one of those sights.  And to be totally honest, I spend more time feeling discouraged and depressed after spending time on there.  They say that they match you based on certain criteria... but I have found that they really just match you with any man in a certain age range who lists "Christian" on their profile.  That's a lot of people.  As I read their profile I realize that I want more than a "Christian."  I want someone who is a growing believer in Jesus Christ. Someone that sees community as a necessity in their life.  Most of these guys are seem to only be christian in name and are not active in their community or for some in their faith.  Before you judge that statement, know that for the most part their profiles almost always reflect that.

I get that this post looks like I am venting. It also probably looks like I am pretty picky and maybe that is the issue.  Yes, in some ways I am venting but I don't think I am picky.  I just know what I need in my life partner.  If their faith isn't what gets them up in the morning. If it isn't what defines who they are and how they live their life then a partnership with me will not work.  I have plenty of non-believing, non "spiritual" friends whom I love and adore but the person I spend the rest of my life with and who I will raise a family with can't be one of those people.  So if that means I spend the rest of my life unmarried, then I'd prefer that over marrying someone who I can't share those common desires with.  I am not judging those who do not desire that, but for me that's what I need.

I think this post took on a totally different path than it started out as but I think it was good for me to write and hopefully good for someone to hear.  

I do want to say that yes this is a hope of mine. To be married. To have a family.  Its more than that really. Yes, some days my heart breaks that this isn't a real part of my life.  But most days, I am content with where I am at or at least I understand that being single right now is where the Lord wants me but the longing of my heart is to be with another person in holy union, serving and growing with the Lord.  Reconciling that overwhelming desire with where I am actually at is where my struggle lies most of the time. Some days it just doesn't line up.

Thanks for letting me process this with you!  I appreciate you taking your time to read my blog!  I get that some will disagree and even judge me based on this post! Some to the point of unfollow but for me and my corner of the blogisphere this was a much needed post to write. Thanks to those who stick by me through the honesty and rawness of posts like these. 

What I Am Learning From a Ball of Yarn

Last night I was working on a knitting project that i have been working on for a while when the skein of yarn I was using spazed out and I realized I'd have to roll it into a ball of yarn.  That happens sometimes with larger skeins.  You have to find the other end of the yarn and create a ball of yarn instead.  Often times that means stopping what you are doing and sitting patiently as you work the yarn into submission.  It takes a patience that not many people have.  I somehow gained the skill when I was pretty young.  I could sit and unravel chains for hours.  The funny thing is, in reality and in life, I don't have that kind of patience... At least I don't think i do.  I have a hard time waiting for anything.

Sweet Discipline, Part 2

Picture curtesy of HGTV

I wrote a blog the other day about God's discipline on my life. Another area of discipline for me has been in how we view ourselves in relation to the situations and people around us.  I've heard several people in various places lately make comments like "I deserve this" or "I just want to be recognized for this" or "I need to do this for me."  Most times I have been the one saying these things.