Shaking Things Up

As growing believers, we all go through dark times.  Times when we feel like the Lord is far from where we are.  For some its filled with doubt, some its filled with anger, some with fear and some its just deafening silence.  I have definitely been in those places.  Sometimes all of them at the same time.  I've really called on God to come through on some things just to feel like I am alone in the silence.  These "things" weren't all together selfish. Some were very real, very deep prayers for my spiritual growth or for other people.  Areas I felt the Lord would be interested in.

Lately, I have really wanted to throw my hands up and say "SHOW UP."  Somewhere deep inside I think I always knew He was there but my faith was waining, my resolve was all but empty.  I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't revealing himself in more real ways.  I wanted Him to stir my heart. I wanted him to awaken my soul.  Yet, i kept finding myself deeper and deeper in a world without his voice.  



There were some things in myself and in others around me that I knew He needed to change.  I felt strongly, and I thought scripture backed it up, that we couldn't do it on our own, that He needed to be at the heart of it.  Still there was Silence. Nothing.  



I wasn't truly seeking his heart, but I also was in a place where i didn't even know how to do that.  I needed Him to give me a kick in the pants and was fervently asking Him to do it.  I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that I COULD NOT do this on my own and was trusting and hoping he'd come through.



This week, I suddenly started to see just how in motion he was. Thoughts and desires I had were being displayed in very public ways.  The visions of leaders and pastors were, sometimes from the pulpit, expressing the desire for change and renewal that I was desperate for.  Devotions that I had long since given up on were speaking right to the heart of my hopes and fears.  I was getting a tiny glimpse of what God is doing.  He is totally and completely stirring things up.   He wasn't silent before. He was just working in the background, preparing me and so many others for what he was doing in the hearts and lives of the church, the city.

The Lies We Listen To.

Why aren't you married yet? What's wrong with you? You aren't pretty enough. You aren't skinny enough. You aren't smart enough, talented enough. You haven't done enough... today, ever! Your worth is based on whether you do this or don't do this. You need their acceptance. Stay away from those types. Why aren't you more like her/them? Who are you going to be today? God is so disappointed with you. You haven't grown enough. You haven't served enough. You can do more.

Those are just a few of the lies that I believe. Some days I believe most of them. Some days I believe just one or two. Some of them are so so subtle that I don't even realize they exist until someone calls me on it. I am sure we all have those lies spinning around our heads.

Identity is something I have been really struggling with (or rather its the topic of growth lately). And ironically enough, its the topic of the week for the study my discipleship group is working through. Its always funny to me how things kind of work together. How God really does ordain the little things. How he knits together the experiences in just the way that you begin to learn, take in his words, his truths, his love.

This morning, I went for my run, finally feeling well enough to run after being sick with the flu for 2 weeks. As I began the run, I was listening to a song by Sara Haze called, Lovely. As the song played, it resonated with emotions, thoughts, and truths that I have been thinking about lately. Society and our communities are good at telling us who we should be, how we should look, where we should be, etc. In the Christian community, although we try and buck these vices, we often create deeper-rooted expectations for ourselves and the people around us. You should be married by this age, kids by this time, successful by this time, etc and etc. But more then that, we often have a culture of expectation around what we do and don't do. Sometimes those expectations are subtle and sometimes they are societal norms. But they aren't always God's expectations and even if on some level, they are, there is a grace and love that flows from his love for us that doesn't use those expectations like nooses around us but rather guidelines to help us grow in deep unity with him.

But lately I have realized that the expectations weighing down on me are not society, community, culture or even God. They are from some distorted truth I have soaked in for a long time. I am not sure if they started with a lie that I chose to believe about who I was and then soaked in it long enough that it became such an unconscious part of who I was? I am a results driven person. I like to see proof of my efforts. I also crave acknowledgment for those efforts even if it comes in minimal forms. It will often cost me time, energy and even my health. The need to know I am accepted and understood through acknowledgment of my efforts is crucial. If the right amount of acknowledgment doesn't show then I do more to add on to what I am doing so that one day, maybe, someone will notice. In the past it meant pulling long hours, taking on more then I had time or energy to do. It cost me some relationships or at the very least did some damage. Currently it comes in the success of my business or what I do in between.

I recently got reprimanded because I followed through on an expectation someone had of me while I had the flu. Letting that person down and so many others (I felt) was worse then not getting rest or sleep. My friend looked at me in the midst of it and said. "Your worth is not defined by what you do!" BAM. Right to the heart. I have been marinating in that since. So much of what I do and how I function is in little moments like that. Areas where I think I am doing what's expected of me but underneath its more about losing respect or favor if I don't do it, even its at the expense of my wellbeing.

The Lord has been using moments like that to show me my worth is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Its not defined by the items I check off today or the money I bring in tomorrow. It’s not about the number of friends that show up on my facebook wall or the readers of this blog. Its not defined by who I take pictures of or what I write.

The following verses were part of the study I am working on this week and aided in really showing me who God is in my life and how much he loves me and wants to see me grow and flourish! He is fighting for me. Sometimes we think no one is on our side, no one understands. God does even if we don't feel it in the moment.

“The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." Zephaniah 3:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91

Day 37: Eating an Elephant

I am the kind of girl that tries to find teachable moments in EVERYTHING... even in moments that are just, well, moments.  Meaning? I over think everything.  I am not sure when this started but has definitely been my life for the last few years. I think it’s my way of sifting through this life I live.  There has to be some meaning to where I am, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with. 

Who knows why I do it but most days it actually serves me well.  It allows me to see things from another perspective, which in turn pushes me to grow more.  Lately it’s pushed me to seek God's heart more, which is always a good thing.

The last 6 weeks have been new, exciting, scary, intriguing, and so many other adjectives.  My test of trust in the Lord has not once been denied.  I have had moments of wavering and questioning but the knowledge of why I did what I did hasn't wavered, just the how.  

The last 2 weeks, I have been fighting a virus of some sort.  The dreaded Flu has been my enemy.  Keeping me from work, fun days in the sun, and truly enjoying living. It tried its hardest to keep me from 4th of July fun but I resisted, probably to my own disadvantage.  I tried in those 2 weeks to find what God might be teaching me.  Is He teaching me patience? Rest? What?  Maybe, on some levels yes, but to be honest I don't think I learned much more then in those areas then I had already been learning.  I did learn simple truths, like: Your worth is not defined by what you do (or don't do).  Your body needs complete rest.  Editing photos drains you a lot more then you'd ever think.  And you can rely on your "family" to take care of you. Its ok!

This time has definitely left me scrambling in some ways.  My livelihood is dependent on my motivation, my focus, and my energy.  If I don't work, then I don't earn money, then I don't pay bills, etc etc.  I get that I am blessed to have people who are willing to support me but that can only go so far.  It can only last so long.  I also get that starting your own business takes time.  But being sick for two weeks definitely has taken the steam out of my engine.  I am left with questions, concerns, and confusion.  

My struggle, though, isn't really on the lack of motivation.  Its on the faith and trust I have in the Lord. I have never doubted His promptings to bring me to the place I am at. I have never questioned that, so why am I doing that now?  Its natural I guess.  Part of the human process.

So what do I do now?  I regroup.  I pray... ALOT.  And I move forward.  God has been faithful so far and he will continue to be faithful.  

One idea that my best friend and I use with each other a lot, especially when things get overwhelming, is the idea of eating an Elephant.  You don't try and it eats it in one sitting. You take it one bite at a time.  We often see the big things in front of us. We see our human ability to accomplish those hurdles and can often be sidetracked, overwhelmed and discouraged.  We see the big picture and not the details in between.  Life was never meant to be taken in all at once. Its a process and is racked full of processes. 

My journey is not over.  It’s just starting. The Mountain I have to climb is just getting started.  (WOW SO MANY METAPHORES).   I love challenges. I love adventures.  If it were a literal mountain, I’d look at it, grit my teeth and plunge through. I wouldn't get part way up and go, "nope, can't do it." I don't have that personality.  I would be too stubborn to ever do that. So why do I want to default to that now?  If I were on an expedition across the country and ran out of gas in Pennsylvania, I wouldn't turn back and go home.  I'd find a way to make the rest of the trip happen. I'd be too excited about the rest of the country I was about to see.   So here we go. Onward and upward.