The Lies We Listen To.

Why aren't you married yet? What's wrong with you? You aren't pretty enough. You aren't skinny enough. You aren't smart enough, talented enough. You haven't done enough... today, ever! Your worth is based on whether you do this or don't do this. You need their acceptance. Stay away from those types. Why aren't you more like her/them? Who are you going to be today? God is so disappointed with you. You haven't grown enough. You haven't served enough. You can do more.

Those are just a few of the lies that I believe. Some days I believe most of them. Some days I believe just one or two. Some of them are so so subtle that I don't even realize they exist until someone calls me on it. I am sure we all have those lies spinning around our heads.

Identity is something I have been really struggling with (or rather its the topic of growth lately). And ironically enough, its the topic of the week for the study my discipleship group is working through. Its always funny to me how things kind of work together. How God really does ordain the little things. How he knits together the experiences in just the way that you begin to learn, take in his words, his truths, his love.

This morning, I went for my run, finally feeling well enough to run after being sick with the flu for 2 weeks. As I began the run, I was listening to a song by Sara Haze called, Lovely. As the song played, it resonated with emotions, thoughts, and truths that I have been thinking about lately. Society and our communities are good at telling us who we should be, how we should look, where we should be, etc. In the Christian community, although we try and buck these vices, we often create deeper-rooted expectations for ourselves and the people around us. You should be married by this age, kids by this time, successful by this time, etc and etc. But more then that, we often have a culture of expectation around what we do and don't do. Sometimes those expectations are subtle and sometimes they are societal norms. But they aren't always God's expectations and even if on some level, they are, there is a grace and love that flows from his love for us that doesn't use those expectations like nooses around us but rather guidelines to help us grow in deep unity with him.

But lately I have realized that the expectations weighing down on me are not society, community, culture or even God. They are from some distorted truth I have soaked in for a long time. I am not sure if they started with a lie that I chose to believe about who I was and then soaked in it long enough that it became such an unconscious part of who I was? I am a results driven person. I like to see proof of my efforts. I also crave acknowledgment for those efforts even if it comes in minimal forms. It will often cost me time, energy and even my health. The need to know I am accepted and understood through acknowledgment of my efforts is crucial. If the right amount of acknowledgment doesn't show then I do more to add on to what I am doing so that one day, maybe, someone will notice. In the past it meant pulling long hours, taking on more then I had time or energy to do. It cost me some relationships or at the very least did some damage. Currently it comes in the success of my business or what I do in between.

I recently got reprimanded because I followed through on an expectation someone had of me while I had the flu. Letting that person down and so many others (I felt) was worse then not getting rest or sleep. My friend looked at me in the midst of it and said. "Your worth is not defined by what you do!" BAM. Right to the heart. I have been marinating in that since. So much of what I do and how I function is in little moments like that. Areas where I think I am doing what's expected of me but underneath its more about losing respect or favor if I don't do it, even its at the expense of my wellbeing.

The Lord has been using moments like that to show me my worth is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Its not defined by the items I check off today or the money I bring in tomorrow. It’s not about the number of friends that show up on my facebook wall or the readers of this blog. Its not defined by who I take pictures of or what I write.

The following verses were part of the study I am working on this week and aided in really showing me who God is in my life and how much he loves me and wants to see me grow and flourish! He is fighting for me. Sometimes we think no one is on our side, no one understands. God does even if we don't feel it in the moment.

“The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." Zephaniah 3:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91