Shaking Things Up

As growing believers, we all go through dark times.  Times when we feel like the Lord is far from where we are.  For some its filled with doubt, some its filled with anger, some with fear and some its just deafening silence.  I have definitely been in those places.  Sometimes all of them at the same time.  I've really called on God to come through on some things just to feel like I am alone in the silence.  These "things" weren't all together selfish. Some were very real, very deep prayers for my spiritual growth or for other people.  Areas I felt the Lord would be interested in.

Lately, I have really wanted to throw my hands up and say "SHOW UP."  Somewhere deep inside I think I always knew He was there but my faith was waining, my resolve was all but empty.  I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't revealing himself in more real ways.  I wanted Him to stir my heart. I wanted him to awaken my soul.  Yet, i kept finding myself deeper and deeper in a world without his voice.  



There were some things in myself and in others around me that I knew He needed to change.  I felt strongly, and I thought scripture backed it up, that we couldn't do it on our own, that He needed to be at the heart of it.  Still there was Silence. Nothing.  



I wasn't truly seeking his heart, but I also was in a place where i didn't even know how to do that.  I needed Him to give me a kick in the pants and was fervently asking Him to do it.  I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that I COULD NOT do this on my own and was trusting and hoping he'd come through.



This week, I suddenly started to see just how in motion he was. Thoughts and desires I had were being displayed in very public ways.  The visions of leaders and pastors were, sometimes from the pulpit, expressing the desire for change and renewal that I was desperate for.  Devotions that I had long since given up on were speaking right to the heart of my hopes and fears.  I was getting a tiny glimpse of what God is doing.  He is totally and completely stirring things up.   He wasn't silent before. He was just working in the background, preparing me and so many others for what he was doing in the hearts and lives of the church, the city.

Books Of The Bible - "Jesus Wasn't Very Nice."

A few months ago, my pastor/boss attended a conference in Washington DC (QIdeas).  When he came back, he was excited about a new "book" they presented.  The book, called "Books of the Bible" is the NIV translation of the New Testiment but re-ordered and the format changed.  They took out the chapters and verse numbers along with a few other format changes to what we are typically used to with the bible.

At first, I was skeptical or rather bored by the idea of a new translation and book fad until I stopped to listen about what it really is.  Its the NIV translation so its not any different then what I'm used to.  Its just ordered differently.  The video below will explain it better then I can.

Along with the book,  they were promoting a group called the Community Bible Experience.  You basically just get together like a book club and go through the New Testament.  My church decided to start some groups.  I soon decided to pitch it to my discipleship group.  We started a few weeks ago.  

Its been pretty awesome. I am in no way a representative of Q or of Biblica.  I have no relationship with them other then being a consumer.  I am just a curious Christian woman who is reading through the bible with her girls.  I've been so blown away by reading this book.  I've seen things I never saw before.  To top that, in our group, we've had the most candid and curious conversations about the bible and the person of Jesus that I've ever had. 

"Jesus wasn't very nice." is one of the statements I've made as I read through the Luke.  Luke is the first book in the order.  To read it before Matthew or Mark or even John, you get a different, less soft view of Jesus.  Don't worry, we didn't stop there and write Jesus off as an unkind savior.... you have to read it in context, knowing who the writer was and who he was writing too. Its been challenging but in a way that leads you to read more, dig more, desire more of the Living God and the Holy Trinity.  I can't wait to go deeper.

I'm not necessarily plugging the book or the experience, but if you are looking to read through the New Testament, I recommend you taking this approach.  Some bible apps have it in their list now.  

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Faith and Trust

I'm a slow learner. I always have been.  When I was in school, it took a lot for me to retain information. I was a last minute studier because I stood a greater chance of remembering that way.  I just don't hold information in that well.  Unless there is a connection to what I'm learning, I just never seem to keep it in. Even then it's sketchy. 

God has been trying to teach me about faith. I think he started out subtly but then tried to hit me over the head with it. I still seem to have issues. At least he's a patient God, because he's still trying.

I always saw myself as a fairly faithful and trusting person. I often naively followed because I never felt the push otherwise. Doubting seemed like more work then trusting. I was comfortable and content where I was, in my little box. But then over time, the walls of that box began to tear down. The deeply emotional and spiritual issues, I felt, were being ignored.  For years I prayed for healing for someone close to me who was struggling with a painful and debilitating disease. Faithfully, I prayed, trusting, knowing god wanted healing for this person. This person is still broken, desperate and sick, even more then ever. I prayed for 20 years for a family of my own. Again, trusting and knowing God would hear the cries of my heart. I'm still single. Now the issue isn't that I'm single. It was that I prayed for clarity regarding where God wanted me. What I got was more vagueness. These are just a few areas in which I have spent concentrated time, praying and hoping. One was for me and the other for someone close to me. I've had other prayers where I truly felt like God was calling us to pray a certain way just to find out we were wrong or at least that's what it looked like

My doubt didn't come in not getting what I wanted. I'm pretty cool with whatever direction God wants to take me. My struggle is in the hearing. I often "feel" like i hear God's voice in a certain situation or I'll feel lead to pray in a certain way.  I'll feel pretty confidently that "I'm right" and that God will answer accordingly just to find I was wrong on some level. I started doubting the voice of God. It finally lead me to doubt that I could or would ever hear him. I felt like it wasn't that God wasn't willing to give the desires of my heart but that we weren't in sync on what those are. There was a connecting issue. 

In the last month or two I have been a part of (on some level) of some big things going on. I've watched friends pray in faith for the healing/resurrection of a dear friend of theirs just to see it not happen. I've prayed myself for the physical healing of two people extremely close to me. I've watched one of those people take drastic and faith filled steps to see God's healing touch. I've also been praying for the mental/emotional/spiritual healing of several friends. In all of these situations I have played the fence. I have wanted to learn about God's heart. His action. His love. But I've had my doubts, many of them. Guilt washes over me as I pray with a half heart, no longer confident in what God is willing and able to do.  

The good in all of this is it is pushing me to a deeper understanding of the nature of Jesus. It is not allowing me to be stagnant or complacent even though it is often my nature.  Its causing me to be restless, uncomfortable and anxious for renewal. Growth is always a good thing in my book.

It might hurt right now but I am trusting that in the end, the pruning that has taken place will yield so many beauties of fruit and blessings.