Did She Really Write That?

So if you've been reading my blog at all lately, you know that I resolved to 13 Goals for 2013.  I am not a huge resolution girl.  Not because i don't agree with them but I am like everyone else in that i don't stick with them.  But almost everything on my list is something I have wanted to work on for a while I just haven't made them priorities. So I thought if I made a list and then blogged about it I would do better at holding to it. 

So one of my "Goals" was to meet my husband in 2013.

...

I feel like i should write several disclaimers before moving forward.

- Its going to be that kind of post. The one where i get very personal

- I am not that girl... the one who is obnoxiously looking for a husband or whines all the time that i am single or want a husband.

- The fact that I am writing about what i am writing about is a HUGE step for me.

Ok so now that is out in the open, I will tell you why this is goal for 2013.  

FIRST, Its not really a goal... Its more like a desire. A dream. A hope. A wish. A prayer.  

Next month, I turn 37.  When I stop and think about how old that is in my head I am discouraged.  I thought I would be in a totally different place at 37 than I am.  Most days I don't think about that. I live my life, happy and content with where God has me. But some days I stop and it hits me. 

I am not that girl. The one who thinks getting married will complete me, the one who looks at every single man as a potential suitor.  But I am the girl who legitimately wants to get married and have a family. If you asked me what my dream life would be I would want to answer with "be a Wife and Mother."  Its kinda how i was created yet I am still single.  

Some days my confidence wains and I wonder What Is Wrong With Me?  I am not unattractive. I am pretty easy to get along with. I can be pretty funny.  But for some reason, I am never anyone's first or second choice.  I haven't even dated anyone since I moved to New York 10 years ago.  Now, part of that I am sure is NYC.  I am not a party girl. I don't like bars/clubs. I am pretty clear on wanting to date and marry a strong Christian man and for 80% of the time I have been in New York I have worked on a church staff so I have easily cut down my pool.  I get that but still.  

I also feel (on good days) that I am happy with my life... for the most part.  Sometimes I think changing up how that works keeps me from really being proactive (whatever that means).   

Lets pause there... what does that mean?  How does one "Be proactive" in the world of dating?  If you aren't an overly social person. If you have pretty high standards on the whole "Christian" thing then how do you meet people?  How do you "get yourself out there?"  Its not like I am a hermit. I am part of two churches in NYC...  The only men "out there" in my circles are married or 10-15 years younger than me.  Seriously stunts your options.

Anyway, one of the ways you can get yourself out there these days is online dating.  For years I avoided it.  But this summer I joined one of those sights.  I spent way too much money (that i don't have) on one of those sights.  And to be totally honest, I spend more time feeling discouraged and depressed after spending time on there.  They say that they match you based on certain criteria... but I have found that they really just match you with any man in a certain age range who lists "Christian" on their profile.  That's a lot of people.  As I read their profile I realize that I want more than a "Christian."  I want someone who is a growing believer in Jesus Christ. Someone that sees community as a necessity in their life.  Most of these guys are seem to only be christian in name and are not active in their community or for some in their faith.  Before you judge that statement, know that for the most part their profiles almost always reflect that.

I get that this post looks like I am venting. It also probably looks like I am pretty picky and maybe that is the issue.  Yes, in some ways I am venting but I don't think I am picky.  I just know what I need in my life partner.  If their faith isn't what gets them up in the morning. If it isn't what defines who they are and how they live their life then a partnership with me will not work.  I have plenty of non-believing, non "spiritual" friends whom I love and adore but the person I spend the rest of my life with and who I will raise a family with can't be one of those people.  So if that means I spend the rest of my life unmarried, then I'd prefer that over marrying someone who I can't share those common desires with.  I am not judging those who do not desire that, but for me that's what I need.

I think this post took on a totally different path than it started out as but I think it was good for me to write and hopefully good for someone to hear.  

I do want to say that yes this is a hope of mine. To be married. To have a family.  Its more than that really. Yes, some days my heart breaks that this isn't a real part of my life.  But most days, I am content with where I am at or at least I understand that being single right now is where the Lord wants me but the longing of my heart is to be with another person in holy union, serving and growing with the Lord.  Reconciling that overwhelming desire with where I am actually at is where my struggle lies most of the time. Some days it just doesn't line up.

Thanks for letting me process this with you!  I appreciate you taking your time to read my blog!  I get that some will disagree and even judge me based on this post! Some to the point of unfollow but for me and my corner of the blogisphere this was a much needed post to write. Thanks to those who stick by me through the honesty and rawness of posts like these.