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I have a problem saying no sometimes. I also have boundary issues... so i am told ;) Ok its nothing new to me. Its a life long plague. I often have a strong sense of responsibility. I will either feel like its an obligation to do the things I do. If I don't do them then someone else will suffer. If I don't do what I am asked then someone will think badly of me. If I don't step up, no one else will and then the world will fall apart. At least the world I am living in. These are all lies I have believed over and over again. I always want to be the best I can be, especially in the eyes of everyone around me.
I know this is pretty normal but its the reason I get so burnt out, frustrated and hurt. I feel as if the people asking should know better and if they don't then they must really need that thing from me. The stronger the personality, the harder it is to say no. Its also harder to justify the no. Justifying the No is always where i get stuck. I can rationalize the "ask" until they win and I am doing one more thing. I can always see the other side... its a curse. I can see the other side so clearly, I forget that I might be entitled to say No.
Recently, my staff and I got into a conversation about this. In this conversation, something one of them said made me realize that its ok to set boundaries or to say No. Someone else's sense of entitlement doesn't mean its my issue to tackle. Since then I have said No to several things that normally I would have just sucked it up and done the thing that needed to be done. The first of those was pretty public. It took someone practically yelling at me to realize it was ok to say no to this person. Since then I have had other opportunities to say no when normally I would have said yes. I have also found freedom in saying yes to the things I did want to do. It was no longer about obligation but because I knew this was something I should do and that was something I didn't have to do. Such a freeing place to be. Something last night made me realize how much easier its getting for me. When I don't say yes to something, I don't think they'll hate me or be disappointed. Instead I think, this is why I can't do this and if this person has a problem its their issue not mine. AND I believe it.
I know this is pretty normal but its the reason I get so burnt out, frustrated and hurt. I feel as if the people asking should know better and if they don't then they must really need that thing from me. The stronger the personality, the harder it is to say no. Its also harder to justify the no. Justifying the No is always where i get stuck. I can rationalize the "ask" until they win and I am doing one more thing. I can always see the other side... its a curse. I can see the other side so clearly, I forget that I might be entitled to say No.
Recently, my staff and I got into a conversation about this. In this conversation, something one of them said made me realize that its ok to set boundaries or to say No. Someone else's sense of entitlement doesn't mean its my issue to tackle. Since then I have said No to several things that normally I would have just sucked it up and done the thing that needed to be done. The first of those was pretty public. It took someone practically yelling at me to realize it was ok to say no to this person. Since then I have had other opportunities to say no when normally I would have said yes. I have also found freedom in saying yes to the things I did want to do. It was no longer about obligation but because I knew this was something I should do and that was something I didn't have to do. Such a freeing place to be. Something last night made me realize how much easier its getting for me. When I don't say yes to something, I don't think they'll hate me or be disappointed. Instead I think, this is why I can't do this and if this person has a problem its their issue not mine. AND I believe it.
Yay yay yay!!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts here Kim! I had to learn this the hard way - mostly through continual burnout. I am a place where I don't feel obligated to say yes, and actually feel pretty icky when that sense of obligation strikes. I try to say maybe if there is any doubt and give myself time to think about things before responding with an answer. If anyone makes me feel pressured to answer on the spot, my answer is usually no, because I just don't like answering that way!
ReplyDeleteNow its harder to say no, when there are many opportunities (things I want to do) that come my way…and I have to navigate based on God's will and not just what I want to do.