Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Chasing A Pipe Dream

Man, it’s been a while since I posted anything... I guess the holidays and life just got in the way, which is kind of sad since writing (even blogging) is something I love so much.  I think a busy schedule and full brain slowed me down and then being out of the habit just stopped me completely.  What got me back to it, you ask?  A book I am reading with my discipleship group.  

I have gotten pretty lazy lately.  I have had a hard time organizing my time when it comes to the artistic & spiritual sides of who I am. I have become uninterested, unmotivated and uninspired. The only thing that seems to still have steam is my paying job... I think its because I know what I am doing and what's expected of me, but even then, I don't seem to go beyond that... which is not like me.  I often create work for myself which long term can often burn me out. I like finding things that can be improved or are a challenge and making them projects.

Instead, lately, I find myself knitting A LOT and watching TV (while I knit). Now, that does seem to bring in some cash so I am not complaining but I don't want to just knit.  

Even reading has lost its luster. The only thing I read these days is knitting patterns, words with friends and this book I have to read for discipleship.... 

Now don't get me wrong, I am not depressed, upset, or even sad.  I just haven't been motivated and I am not sure what the root of it is, but today, I am making steps to get out of the rut and do what gives me life, even if there isn't much payoff.

One of the lines in the book we are reading was from a friend of the author about her upcoming conference.  It totally represented how I have been thinking about my writing lately. "I feel like a third grader who has been asked to submit a high school term paper."  I love to write but in the grand scheme of things, I know there are lots of writers out there and I feel like 95% of them are more talented, creative and out of the box then I am.  So I think I lost my motivation to even try, or even better, to just write for me.  Although I blog, its really more for me then for anyone else.  I learn more from what I write then any one of my readers.  It’s more about processing out loud. Knowing I have an audience helps me be more reflective, critical and focused.  I think that's what I need.  

So after chatting about this chapter of the book last night with my girls, one of the girls talked about how she keeps up the practice of writing.  She takes it one month at a time. Instead of New Years Resolutions, she has shorter-term goals.  So I think I am going to do that for myself. Even if it’s for 10 minutes, 1 hour or all day, I am going to make a goal to write every day for the rest of January.  February 1st. I will re-evaluate.  Already, through working on this post, I feel more energized and excited about the next 13 days.

I know that making these goals may not get me closer to being an established writer but its doing much more then that. Its giving me something to look forward to, something to improve.  It’s strengthening the writing muscle in me.  It is also allowing to get beyond the rut I am.  I may never be known for my writing but at least I am doing something that gives me life. 

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