Running The Distance

I love to compare my relationship with the Lord to my running habits.  In this stage of life, its kind of appropriate.  This week I started running again and it brought to mind several parallels between the two.  

GETTING HEALTHY
Like my faith, I start running because I feel its a good way to get healthy.  The lethargic feeling, the extra padding around my waist, the tighter fitting clothes don't make me feel all that healthy and well.  I want to live and feel better so running is one of the biggest ways I try that. The same goes with the way I live out my faith.  When I am not actively seeking God's heart, I feel lethargic, directionless, and slow when it comes to who I see God as and even more so how i think God sees me. I stop trying. I stop feeling the urge to pursue a deeper relationship with him.  When I start doing the things that bring me back into a true and deep sense of the grace and peace of God I feel more healthy and together.

MOTIVATION
I don't know about you but I have found a dizzying pattern with my desire to run.  I feel the urge to start running again so I plan a day to run.  I am excited about the opportunity and often will guard against anything getting in the way of that run.  But then the day of the run hits and the motivation starts to fade.  The closer I get to the run, the more I don't want to do it.  I will do almost anything to get out of it without it being too obvious.  But in those occasions where I power through the urge to stay at home, I find the run exhilarating and definitely not as challenging as I thought it would be.  So I plan another run and am excited about the next run and the run after that.... but then right before that run, i not longer have a passion or desire to do anything requiring energy.  The same often goes with my spiritual life.  I see the need to grow deeper and I feel the pull of the spirit to learn more, go deeper, love more. So i make a plan. I pray for opportunities.  But without fail, when the opportunities arise I find myself preferring to watch TV, surf the web, or anything really other than that.  Like with running, when i power through the urge to be lazy, i am exited about what i see and what i learn.  Yet the next opportunity comes along and I find myself desiring to do the lesser thing.  I am not saying resting is bad but the absence of pursuit of the Father is not a good thing and I choose most things over Him many many times.

ENDURANCE
When running, I often listen to my body in regards to how long to run, how fast to run and even where to run.  When I am running, I often experience muscle and joint aches.  Most of the time, I am mentally aware enough to run through those aches.  I know my body enough, typically, to know a good pain and a bad pain and when to give in or slow down.  Often times the energy or the breathing is what gets me and many many times I am unaware that I have slowed down, even stopped running.  The initial burn I am aware of. If its a good day I can train myself to think of other things or focus on other areas. But sometimes I will go from a steady run to a walk without even realizing I've done it.  I think the same happens in my relationship with the Lord.  I am moving along, sometimes aware of his presence, sometimes not.  I feel confident, like i can take on the world.  But then I start to lose energy or I feel the pressure of outside sources, or worse, sin (past or present) creeps in and my stamina begins to waver.  If I am lucky, I notice it and begin praying for ways to move beyond the insecurity, the fear, and even the pride. But most of the time, I don't realize how bad things have gotten in my own life that i have completely given up.  Not in a conscious way but in a subconscious way. I no longer am seeking or even desiring a daily life with Him.  I am doing everything in my own energy and my own power which leaves me feeling deflated and exhausted.

RUNNING THE HILLS
Living in a place with lots of hills, I have accepted that in all of my runs I will face at least one hill if not 2 or 3. Some are super steep and others are mid-sized hills.  As you are running, you can typically see the hill coming.  I have this subconscious routine in my head where I decide as I approach the hill what my goal is.  For the smaller to mid sized hills, I typically tell myself to make it to the top before stopping. The speed at which I run the hill is negotiable but running the hill is not.  For the steeper/longer hills, I will give myself permission to stop at a certain point.  The reality though of these hills is that I rarely live up to the plan.  For the smaller/mid-sized hills I get about 2/3rds up and I am toast. I think I can't make it and like above, before i know it I stop mid run.  The issue is that, nothing is broken and rarely do I think I will pass out or die so I know its all a mental game.  This last week, i found myself stopping on a hill and as soon as I was conscious of the stop I said "NO, you have so little distance to go, get your butt up this hill." so I ran it.  I have to have conversations with myself. Sometimes Jillian Michaels is in my ear screaming at me.  These "hills" in my spiritual and emotional life are the hard times.  I am running along enjoying life and then a problem arrises. Sometimes I can see it coming but many times I can't.  If I am lucky enough to see it coming, I make a plan. I think of ways to guard my heart against the attacks I will face.  Ways to punch the doubts and fears directly on so that they don't stop me in my tracks.  Unfortunately though, life isn't always so subtle and the punches come out of nowhere, leaving me feeling winded, frustrated and isolated.  I often stop there in mid crisis and shut down spiritually. I give in to the emotions I am experiencing and let them define me.   Its never really a conscious thing. I don't realize i have gone there until its already there.  

OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGES
Like in running, there are times when you think you can't go any further. You're tired, in pain, and just feel alone.  But something causes you to keep going. Something gives you motivation to run the last bit with more energy than you had the entire run, at least in long distances they do.  The Spirit gives you the extra nudge to jump back into the routine of knowing and seeking the Lord.  You pick up the bible and read with fervor or more simply, you pray for the spirit to give you those things; desire, hope, perseverance.  You run the race for which you started and feel the excitement of getting to your destination.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 

1 Corinthians 9:24

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverancethe race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

Did She Really Write That?

So if you've been reading my blog at all lately, you know that I resolved to 13 Goals for 2013.  I am not a huge resolution girl.  Not because i don't agree with them but I am like everyone else in that i don't stick with them.  But almost everything on my list is something I have wanted to work on for a while I just haven't made them priorities. So I thought if I made a list and then blogged about it I would do better at holding to it. 

So one of my "Goals" was to meet my husband in 2013.

...

I feel like i should write several disclaimers before moving forward.

- Its going to be that kind of post. The one where i get very personal

- I am not that girl... the one who is obnoxiously looking for a husband or whines all the time that i am single or want a husband.

- The fact that I am writing about what i am writing about is a HUGE step for me.

Ok so now that is out in the open, I will tell you why this is goal for 2013.  

FIRST, Its not really a goal... Its more like a desire. A dream. A hope. A wish. A prayer.  

Next month, I turn 37.  When I stop and think about how old that is in my head I am discouraged.  I thought I would be in a totally different place at 37 than I am.  Most days I don't think about that. I live my life, happy and content with where God has me. But some days I stop and it hits me. 

I am not that girl. The one who thinks getting married will complete me, the one who looks at every single man as a potential suitor.  But I am the girl who legitimately wants to get married and have a family. If you asked me what my dream life would be I would want to answer with "be a Wife and Mother."  Its kinda how i was created yet I am still single.  

Some days my confidence wains and I wonder What Is Wrong With Me?  I am not unattractive. I am pretty easy to get along with. I can be pretty funny.  But for some reason, I am never anyone's first or second choice.  I haven't even dated anyone since I moved to New York 10 years ago.  Now, part of that I am sure is NYC.  I am not a party girl. I don't like bars/clubs. I am pretty clear on wanting to date and marry a strong Christian man and for 80% of the time I have been in New York I have worked on a church staff so I have easily cut down my pool.  I get that but still.  

I also feel (on good days) that I am happy with my life... for the most part.  Sometimes I think changing up how that works keeps me from really being proactive (whatever that means).   

Lets pause there... what does that mean?  How does one "Be proactive" in the world of dating?  If you aren't an overly social person. If you have pretty high standards on the whole "Christian" thing then how do you meet people?  How do you "get yourself out there?"  Its not like I am a hermit. I am part of two churches in NYC...  The only men "out there" in my circles are married or 10-15 years younger than me.  Seriously stunts your options.

Anyway, one of the ways you can get yourself out there these days is online dating.  For years I avoided it.  But this summer I joined one of those sights.  I spent way too much money (that i don't have) on one of those sights.  And to be totally honest, I spend more time feeling discouraged and depressed after spending time on there.  They say that they match you based on certain criteria... but I have found that they really just match you with any man in a certain age range who lists "Christian" on their profile.  That's a lot of people.  As I read their profile I realize that I want more than a "Christian."  I want someone who is a growing believer in Jesus Christ. Someone that sees community as a necessity in their life.  Most of these guys are seem to only be christian in name and are not active in their community or for some in their faith.  Before you judge that statement, know that for the most part their profiles almost always reflect that.

I get that this post looks like I am venting. It also probably looks like I am pretty picky and maybe that is the issue.  Yes, in some ways I am venting but I don't think I am picky.  I just know what I need in my life partner.  If their faith isn't what gets them up in the morning. If it isn't what defines who they are and how they live their life then a partnership with me will not work.  I have plenty of non-believing, non "spiritual" friends whom I love and adore but the person I spend the rest of my life with and who I will raise a family with can't be one of those people.  So if that means I spend the rest of my life unmarried, then I'd prefer that over marrying someone who I can't share those common desires with.  I am not judging those who do not desire that, but for me that's what I need.

I think this post took on a totally different path than it started out as but I think it was good for me to write and hopefully good for someone to hear.  

I do want to say that yes this is a hope of mine. To be married. To have a family.  Its more than that really. Yes, some days my heart breaks that this isn't a real part of my life.  But most days, I am content with where I am at or at least I understand that being single right now is where the Lord wants me but the longing of my heart is to be with another person in holy union, serving and growing with the Lord.  Reconciling that overwhelming desire with where I am actually at is where my struggle lies most of the time. Some days it just doesn't line up.

Thanks for letting me process this with you!  I appreciate you taking your time to read my blog!  I get that some will disagree and even judge me based on this post! Some to the point of unfollow but for me and my corner of the blogisphere this was a much needed post to write. Thanks to those who stick by me through the honesty and rawness of posts like these. 

What's In A Name: SINGLEDOU[B]T Explained.

I realized this month that many of my friends & followers don't know the name of my blog... Some think its Single Doubt. Some think its Singledoubt.  Some have other ideas.  

I thought I'd take the time to explain not only the name of the site but also why it was chosen.  

The name Singledou[b]t is a play on words. Its actually both "Single Doubt" and "Singled Out", hence the [b].

When I was 16 years old I thought, like most teenagers, that I would be married by 22, kids by 26 and happily ever after. When 22 happened and passed as did the three year relationship I was in, I still thought I had time. Now I am 36 and husband and kids seems like a light that is about to go out, I often find myself doubting the one constant dream I have had for my life. But still in what often feels like the death of a dream, I am finding hope in my relationships and in my community.

As single people, you often find yourself being singled out, whether by expectations of others or expectations of yourself. Your married friends try and reassure you that there is someone out there for you. “In God’s Timing” they say or “You’re still young, you have plenty of time” but its hard to hold onto those statements when moment after moment, relationship after relationship, you find yourself without. Just when you begin to feel comfortable with who you are and where you are, someone decides to question the path you are on. You get statements like “Is there someone special in your life? Or What are you doing to get yourself out there?” Its statements like that that begin to creep into your psyche and make you doubt the path you are on and the God who is guiding you. People don’t realize how those little statements can cut to the core. Its like telling a young girl, “I wouldn’t eat that donut.” Its subtle statements like those that can make you question just who you are. 

As a Christian female, we are already singled out because of our faith, especially in New York City. Being a believer makes you somehow weak or limited in the eyes of so many. Being a strong confident woman can begin to feel like a chore, add onto that the expectation to date and have a family. Its somewhat safe in NYC to be single at 30 because its the norm, or rather more of the norm then where I am from. But being single amongst Christians, that’s a little more difficult. Add onto the fact that your sphere of influence doesn’t just mean NYC, its the people in the other corners of the world. 

But those expectations are nothing compared to the ones I have on myself. I am getting past the point of thinking that having a partner or family is what makes me, me... but there is still a longing in my soul to share a life with someone, to love someone so completely and to bring lives into the world, that are just your own. There is a longing to be loved by someone, to be cherished by someone. That doesn’t make me who I am, but what I desire. I think in some sense I avoided being defined by being single but now I am realizing its a very real part of who I am and what makes me, Me. I am on a path of finding out who I am not as a single person wanting a family but as a person wanting to live a Godly life.  This blog is a reflection of who I am day to day, what I am looking for, and the God who makes sense of it all. There will be moments of pure honesty. There will be moments of learning. There will be moments of humor. Its really just about the moments we have day to day, moment by moment. Living in them, loving them and learning from them.

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What I Am Learning From a Ball of Yarn

Last night I was working on a knitting project that i have been working on for a while when the skein of yarn I was using spazed out and I realized I'd have to roll it into a ball of yarn.  That happens sometimes with larger skeins.  You have to find the other end of the yarn and create a ball of yarn instead.  Often times that means stopping what you are doing and sitting patiently as you work the yarn into submission.  It takes a patience that not many people have.  I somehow gained the skill when I was pretty young.  I could sit and unravel chains for hours.  The funny thing is, in reality and in life, I don't have that kind of patience... At least I don't think i do.  I have a hard time waiting for anything.

God's Box - Still Trusting

Sometime when I was in grad school someone recommended making a "God Box."  I can't remember who and how it came up but I made it.  The purpose, I believe, was to put your prayers, those that you can't carry anymore, in the box symbolizing giving them to the Lord.  It was totally a little girl-sized exercise, but I did it. I put three prayers in there that I know I had been praying about and likely obsessing about for years.  It was really a symbolic gesture, allowing myself to physically do what I wanted to do emotionally and spiritually.  

Sweet Discipline, Part 2

Picture curtesy of HGTV

I wrote a blog the other day about God's discipline on my life. Another area of discipline for me has been in how we view ourselves in relation to the situations and people around us.  I've heard several people in various places lately make comments like "I deserve this" or "I just want to be recognized for this" or "I need to do this for me."  Most times I have been the one saying these things.  

Faith and Trust

I'm a slow learner. I always have been.  When I was in school, it took a lot for me to retain information. I was a last minute studier because I stood a greater chance of remembering that way.  I just don't hold information in that well.  Unless there is a connection to what I'm learning, I just never seem to keep it in. Even then it's sketchy. 

God has been trying to teach me about faith. I think he started out subtly but then tried to hit me over the head with it. I still seem to have issues. At least he's a patient God, because he's still trying.

I always saw myself as a fairly faithful and trusting person. I often naively followed because I never felt the push otherwise. Doubting seemed like more work then trusting. I was comfortable and content where I was, in my little box. But then over time, the walls of that box began to tear down. The deeply emotional and spiritual issues, I felt, were being ignored.  For years I prayed for healing for someone close to me who was struggling with a painful and debilitating disease. Faithfully, I prayed, trusting, knowing god wanted healing for this person. This person is still broken, desperate and sick, even more then ever. I prayed for 20 years for a family of my own. Again, trusting and knowing God would hear the cries of my heart. I'm still single. Now the issue isn't that I'm single. It was that I prayed for clarity regarding where God wanted me. What I got was more vagueness. These are just a few areas in which I have spent concentrated time, praying and hoping. One was for me and the other for someone close to me. I've had other prayers where I truly felt like God was calling us to pray a certain way just to find out we were wrong or at least that's what it looked like

My doubt didn't come in not getting what I wanted. I'm pretty cool with whatever direction God wants to take me. My struggle is in the hearing. I often "feel" like i hear God's voice in a certain situation or I'll feel lead to pray in a certain way.  I'll feel pretty confidently that "I'm right" and that God will answer accordingly just to find I was wrong on some level. I started doubting the voice of God. It finally lead me to doubt that I could or would ever hear him. I felt like it wasn't that God wasn't willing to give the desires of my heart but that we weren't in sync on what those are. There was a connecting issue. 

In the last month or two I have been a part of (on some level) of some big things going on. I've watched friends pray in faith for the healing/resurrection of a dear friend of theirs just to see it not happen. I've prayed myself for the physical healing of two people extremely close to me. I've watched one of those people take drastic and faith filled steps to see God's healing touch. I've also been praying for the mental/emotional/spiritual healing of several friends. In all of these situations I have played the fence. I have wanted to learn about God's heart. His action. His love. But I've had my doubts, many of them. Guilt washes over me as I pray with a half heart, no longer confident in what God is willing and able to do.  

The good in all of this is it is pushing me to a deeper understanding of the nature of Jesus. It is not allowing me to be stagnant or complacent even though it is often my nature.  Its causing me to be restless, uncomfortable and anxious for renewal. Growth is always a good thing in my book.

It might hurt right now but I am trusting that in the end, the pruning that has taken place will yield so many beauties of fruit and blessings. 

When It Rains...

You know the saying, “when it rains it pours”? For the last 2 or 3 weeks, this saying has been true to my life. But fortunately for me, it hasn't been for the negative. It has been in the form of many blessings.

As many of you know, I quit my job in June of this year. The decision to leave my 9 to 5 was as much for my passion to pursue photography and writing as it was to trust that God had something better for me. I took a risk not having the promise of income for the foreseeable future. God was gracious to me, in that, fear and anxiety never followed the decision to leave. I knew that this move was something that He desired for my life.

I had the blessing of not only my community but my closest friends and my family. So off I went in pursuit of whatever God's path was for me. Most days involved writing, cooking, serving my friends, babysitting, and occasionally photography. For close to 2 months I did not bring in much money if any at all. To say that it wasn't a concern would be a lie, but I also knew I was doing what God wanted me to do at the time. This allowed me to breathe a little easier in doing the things that were giving me life.

The Lies We Listen To.

Why aren't you married yet? What's wrong with you? You aren't pretty enough. You aren't skinny enough. You aren't smart enough, talented enough. You haven't done enough... today, ever! Your worth is based on whether you do this or don't do this. You need their acceptance. Stay away from those types. Why aren't you more like her/them? Who are you going to be today? God is so disappointed with you. You haven't grown enough. You haven't served enough. You can do more.

Those are just a few of the lies that I believe. Some days I believe most of them. Some days I believe just one or two. Some of them are so so subtle that I don't even realize they exist until someone calls me on it. I am sure we all have those lies spinning around our heads.

Identity is something I have been really struggling with (or rather its the topic of growth lately). And ironically enough, its the topic of the week for the study my discipleship group is working through. Its always funny to me how things kind of work together. How God really does ordain the little things. How he knits together the experiences in just the way that you begin to learn, take in his words, his truths, his love.

This morning, I went for my run, finally feeling well enough to run after being sick with the flu for 2 weeks. As I began the run, I was listening to a song by Sara Haze called, Lovely. As the song played, it resonated with emotions, thoughts, and truths that I have been thinking about lately. Society and our communities are good at telling us who we should be, how we should look, where we should be, etc. In the Christian community, although we try and buck these vices, we often create deeper-rooted expectations for ourselves and the people around us. You should be married by this age, kids by this time, successful by this time, etc and etc. But more then that, we often have a culture of expectation around what we do and don't do. Sometimes those expectations are subtle and sometimes they are societal norms. But they aren't always God's expectations and even if on some level, they are, there is a grace and love that flows from his love for us that doesn't use those expectations like nooses around us but rather guidelines to help us grow in deep unity with him.

But lately I have realized that the expectations weighing down on me are not society, community, culture or even God. They are from some distorted truth I have soaked in for a long time. I am not sure if they started with a lie that I chose to believe about who I was and then soaked in it long enough that it became such an unconscious part of who I was? I am a results driven person. I like to see proof of my efforts. I also crave acknowledgment for those efforts even if it comes in minimal forms. It will often cost me time, energy and even my health. The need to know I am accepted and understood through acknowledgment of my efforts is crucial. If the right amount of acknowledgment doesn't show then I do more to add on to what I am doing so that one day, maybe, someone will notice. In the past it meant pulling long hours, taking on more then I had time or energy to do. It cost me some relationships or at the very least did some damage. Currently it comes in the success of my business or what I do in between.

I recently got reprimanded because I followed through on an expectation someone had of me while I had the flu. Letting that person down and so many others (I felt) was worse then not getting rest or sleep. My friend looked at me in the midst of it and said. "Your worth is not defined by what you do!" BAM. Right to the heart. I have been marinating in that since. So much of what I do and how I function is in little moments like that. Areas where I think I am doing what's expected of me but underneath its more about losing respect or favor if I don't do it, even its at the expense of my wellbeing.

The Lord has been using moments like that to show me my worth is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Its not defined by the items I check off today or the money I bring in tomorrow. It’s not about the number of friends that show up on my facebook wall or the readers of this blog. Its not defined by who I take pictures of or what I write.

The following verses were part of the study I am working on this week and aided in really showing me who God is in my life and how much he loves me and wants to see me grow and flourish! He is fighting for me. Sometimes we think no one is on our side, no one understands. God does even if we don't feel it in the moment.

“The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." Zephaniah 3:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91

Day 37: Eating an Elephant

I am the kind of girl that tries to find teachable moments in EVERYTHING... even in moments that are just, well, moments.  Meaning? I over think everything.  I am not sure when this started but has definitely been my life for the last few years. I think it’s my way of sifting through this life I live.  There has to be some meaning to where I am, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with. 

Who knows why I do it but most days it actually serves me well.  It allows me to see things from another perspective, which in turn pushes me to grow more.  Lately it’s pushed me to seek God's heart more, which is always a good thing.

The last 6 weeks have been new, exciting, scary, intriguing, and so many other adjectives.  My test of trust in the Lord has not once been denied.  I have had moments of wavering and questioning but the knowledge of why I did what I did hasn't wavered, just the how.  

The last 2 weeks, I have been fighting a virus of some sort.  The dreaded Flu has been my enemy.  Keeping me from work, fun days in the sun, and truly enjoying living. It tried its hardest to keep me from 4th of July fun but I resisted, probably to my own disadvantage.  I tried in those 2 weeks to find what God might be teaching me.  Is He teaching me patience? Rest? What?  Maybe, on some levels yes, but to be honest I don't think I learned much more then in those areas then I had already been learning.  I did learn simple truths, like: Your worth is not defined by what you do (or don't do).  Your body needs complete rest.  Editing photos drains you a lot more then you'd ever think.  And you can rely on your "family" to take care of you. Its ok!

This time has definitely left me scrambling in some ways.  My livelihood is dependent on my motivation, my focus, and my energy.  If I don't work, then I don't earn money, then I don't pay bills, etc etc.  I get that I am blessed to have people who are willing to support me but that can only go so far.  It can only last so long.  I also get that starting your own business takes time.  But being sick for two weeks definitely has taken the steam out of my engine.  I am left with questions, concerns, and confusion.  

My struggle, though, isn't really on the lack of motivation.  Its on the faith and trust I have in the Lord. I have never doubted His promptings to bring me to the place I am at. I have never questioned that, so why am I doing that now?  Its natural I guess.  Part of the human process.

So what do I do now?  I regroup.  I pray... ALOT.  And I move forward.  God has been faithful so far and he will continue to be faithful.  

One idea that my best friend and I use with each other a lot, especially when things get overwhelming, is the idea of eating an Elephant.  You don't try and it eats it in one sitting. You take it one bite at a time.  We often see the big things in front of us. We see our human ability to accomplish those hurdles and can often be sidetracked, overwhelmed and discouraged.  We see the big picture and not the details in between.  Life was never meant to be taken in all at once. Its a process and is racked full of processes. 

My journey is not over.  It’s just starting. The Mountain I have to climb is just getting started.  (WOW SO MANY METAPHORES).   I love challenges. I love adventures.  If it were a literal mountain, I’d look at it, grit my teeth and plunge through. I wouldn't get part way up and go, "nope, can't do it." I don't have that personality.  I would be too stubborn to ever do that. So why do I want to default to that now?  If I were on an expedition across the country and ran out of gas in Pennsylvania, I wouldn't turn back and go home.  I'd find a way to make the rest of the trip happen. I'd be too excited about the rest of the country I was about to see.   So here we go. Onward and upward.

Day 23: Satisfaction - June 24 2011

Original Post

When i first was thinking about leaving my 9 to 5 admin job, I really was concerned with what i would do with my time. I know me and i do MUCH better with structure. To give me open ended days with no outside structure was super intimidating. On top of that, i had to be self motivating. That isn't always my strong suit either. If given the opportunity, I'd let people come to me every time. I also wasn't 100% confident that photography was what i wanted to do. I felt my skills were extremely limited and in NYC, I knew i was well below the competition. I wasn't sure i had it in me to be the person i would need to be to earn an income.

I guess knowing this about me, I started out with making plans and goals for myself. I also gave myself permission to ease into this. I spent my first few weeks doing more baby sitting then shooting but that in itself motivated me more. It created a little more structure for myself. It also allowed me to get to know a few people more then i would have otherwise.

This last week, I got the opportunity to take maternity shots for one of my close friends which also allowed me to learn photoshop on a much deeper level. I have had so much fun editing photos. I find myself getting lost in one photo. The attention to detail that you need to have to do it is amazing and a tad overwhelming but i am learning lots of patience because of it. I am learning to slow and down and focus.

Because of my new lifestyle and career goals, it is opening me up to do more for myself and especially for other people. I can help friends move, watch friends' children, volunteer at local bookstores, make my roommate dinner (early), bake bread, write blog posts, research for a novel, run without hindrances, wear PJs all day, not wear make up for 3 days, and so much more. Now many of these don't pay the bills but they go beyond that. To hear the gratitude in peoples voices, to see faces light up, the pounds drop off, to grow closer to the Lord, that's all the payment in the world.

The last three weeks have done wonders for my heart and for my confidence. I feel more settled and ready for whatever God has in store for me. I feel far less anxious about what i am doing, who i am and where i am going. There is a point when you take such big steps of faith that you have to resign yourself to God's plan. You can't look back or waver. If you allow doubt to get in, its debilitating and soul sucking. I knew that doubt could be my ruler so i prepared my first few steps to be centered on spending time with the Lord and really securing my hope in him and not in success. Those were key in getting me through these first few weeks.

I don't know where this road is going to take me. I am not sure what i will be doing in 2 months. But i know that for right now, i am basking the grace of God, watching him transform my life and the people around me. I get the privilege of seeing people's needs get met and know that on some level I might have helped.

Day 1: I think God's trying to tell me something - June 2 2011

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Today is Day 1 of my new adventure. Two months ago when I finally decided to take the plunge, I came to the decision through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends and my church family. When I finally let go of the fear, it seemed to be an easy decision in many respects but I haven't lacked days of doubt. Some days the fear and doubt were overwhelming. I never doubted the decision to leave but i definitely doubted my abilities to finally pursue my dreams.

Throughout the last few weeks, I have been encouraged by peoples comments and their amazement at the step of faith I had taken. On a good day, I took it for what it was worth and smiled at the testimony i might be to others. On a bad day, I cowered behind my insecurities afraid to take a step. The last 2 days have been more downs then up as the reality set in. I was really doing this. I couldn't turn back. The pressure to succeed and to succeed quickly was weighing down.

Last night a few of my girl friends came over to celebrate this HUGE step of faith. Their excitement was a beautiful thing to see but deep down, I was shaking with fear. "What will you do tomorrow?" "Are you super excited?" were some of the constant questions I got throughout the day. But I found myself unprepared, unsettled.

BUT Day 1 came and to my surprise it wasn't heavy. It wasn't full of expectations. It wasn't scary. It was just another day. God was so faithful today to remind me of where he has lead me. I would never have made this decision if He hadn't been in the center. I could never have taken a step if i wasn't positive he was the one guiding me. So this morning, being faithful to the desire to make this new adventure just as much about my relationship with Him as it was about my dreams, I took the time to focus on Him first.

I have been using an online devotional to guide my time with God lately and most days are pretty on target with where i am but today was even more so. The title being, "Should I Quit?". My first thought was "Seriously?" but that this wasn't going to be what it seemed and would be a totally different direction then i was going. I was wrong. The devotional was completely geared around taking those God prompted steps, even if they are scary and HUGE.

"What if David had assessed whether or not to face Goliath based on the shadow of his opponent rather than the shadow of the Almighty? (1 Samuel 17)" Stories like this and verses like Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." were all reminders that God had called me here and although i don't have it all figured out, i am pursuing HIS heart and HIS direction. I simply need to trust in his voice. Seeking reassurance over resting in God's promises and love was what i had been pursuing. Reassurance will come in those times if first i am seeking His heart. God isn't a God of "one chance only"s He's a God of redemption, a God of Love. He wants the best possible life for me even if it means stretching, growing, mistakes and failure.

After reading the devotional, i decided to listen to some music to keep me from turning on the TV and the first song held these lyrics."Seconds, hours, so many days, You know what you want but how long can you wait?....And what if my chances were already gone? Started believing that I could be wrong. But you give me one good reason.To fight and never walk away. With every step you climb another mountain. Every breath it's harder to believe. You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes. To get to that one thing. Just when you think the road is going nowhere. Just when you almost gave up on your dreams. They take you by the hand and show you that you can. There are no boundaries!"

Today is a day of New Beginnings. Tomorrow may bring some fear and even some failures but today I am choosing to focus on the call Jesus made on my life. My knees may get scraped and little bruised but those wounds will heal as I am following the true healer, the true Leader.