Running The Distance

I love to compare my relationship with the Lord to my running habits.  In this stage of life, its kind of appropriate.  This week I started running again and it brought to mind several parallels between the two.  

GETTING HEALTHY
Like my faith, I start running because I feel its a good way to get healthy.  The lethargic feeling, the extra padding around my waist, the tighter fitting clothes don't make me feel all that healthy and well.  I want to live and feel better so running is one of the biggest ways I try that. The same goes with the way I live out my faith.  When I am not actively seeking God's heart, I feel lethargic, directionless, and slow when it comes to who I see God as and even more so how i think God sees me. I stop trying. I stop feeling the urge to pursue a deeper relationship with him.  When I start doing the things that bring me back into a true and deep sense of the grace and peace of God I feel more healthy and together.

MOTIVATION
I don't know about you but I have found a dizzying pattern with my desire to run.  I feel the urge to start running again so I plan a day to run.  I am excited about the opportunity and often will guard against anything getting in the way of that run.  But then the day of the run hits and the motivation starts to fade.  The closer I get to the run, the more I don't want to do it.  I will do almost anything to get out of it without it being too obvious.  But in those occasions where I power through the urge to stay at home, I find the run exhilarating and definitely not as challenging as I thought it would be.  So I plan another run and am excited about the next run and the run after that.... but then right before that run, i not longer have a passion or desire to do anything requiring energy.  The same often goes with my spiritual life.  I see the need to grow deeper and I feel the pull of the spirit to learn more, go deeper, love more. So i make a plan. I pray for opportunities.  But without fail, when the opportunities arise I find myself preferring to watch TV, surf the web, or anything really other than that.  Like with running, when i power through the urge to be lazy, i am exited about what i see and what i learn.  Yet the next opportunity comes along and I find myself desiring to do the lesser thing.  I am not saying resting is bad but the absence of pursuit of the Father is not a good thing and I choose most things over Him many many times.

ENDURANCE
When running, I often listen to my body in regards to how long to run, how fast to run and even where to run.  When I am running, I often experience muscle and joint aches.  Most of the time, I am mentally aware enough to run through those aches.  I know my body enough, typically, to know a good pain and a bad pain and when to give in or slow down.  Often times the energy or the breathing is what gets me and many many times I am unaware that I have slowed down, even stopped running.  The initial burn I am aware of. If its a good day I can train myself to think of other things or focus on other areas. But sometimes I will go from a steady run to a walk without even realizing I've done it.  I think the same happens in my relationship with the Lord.  I am moving along, sometimes aware of his presence, sometimes not.  I feel confident, like i can take on the world.  But then I start to lose energy or I feel the pressure of outside sources, or worse, sin (past or present) creeps in and my stamina begins to waver.  If I am lucky, I notice it and begin praying for ways to move beyond the insecurity, the fear, and even the pride. But most of the time, I don't realize how bad things have gotten in my own life that i have completely given up.  Not in a conscious way but in a subconscious way. I no longer am seeking or even desiring a daily life with Him.  I am doing everything in my own energy and my own power which leaves me feeling deflated and exhausted.

RUNNING THE HILLS
Living in a place with lots of hills, I have accepted that in all of my runs I will face at least one hill if not 2 or 3. Some are super steep and others are mid-sized hills.  As you are running, you can typically see the hill coming.  I have this subconscious routine in my head where I decide as I approach the hill what my goal is.  For the smaller to mid sized hills, I typically tell myself to make it to the top before stopping. The speed at which I run the hill is negotiable but running the hill is not.  For the steeper/longer hills, I will give myself permission to stop at a certain point.  The reality though of these hills is that I rarely live up to the plan.  For the smaller/mid-sized hills I get about 2/3rds up and I am toast. I think I can't make it and like above, before i know it I stop mid run.  The issue is that, nothing is broken and rarely do I think I will pass out or die so I know its all a mental game.  This last week, i found myself stopping on a hill and as soon as I was conscious of the stop I said "NO, you have so little distance to go, get your butt up this hill." so I ran it.  I have to have conversations with myself. Sometimes Jillian Michaels is in my ear screaming at me.  These "hills" in my spiritual and emotional life are the hard times.  I am running along enjoying life and then a problem arrises. Sometimes I can see it coming but many times I can't.  If I am lucky enough to see it coming, I make a plan. I think of ways to guard my heart against the attacks I will face.  Ways to punch the doubts and fears directly on so that they don't stop me in my tracks.  Unfortunately though, life isn't always so subtle and the punches come out of nowhere, leaving me feeling winded, frustrated and isolated.  I often stop there in mid crisis and shut down spiritually. I give in to the emotions I am experiencing and let them define me.   Its never really a conscious thing. I don't realize i have gone there until its already there.  

OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGES
Like in running, there are times when you think you can't go any further. You're tired, in pain, and just feel alone.  But something causes you to keep going. Something gives you motivation to run the last bit with more energy than you had the entire run, at least in long distances they do.  The Spirit gives you the extra nudge to jump back into the routine of knowing and seeking the Lord.  You pick up the bible and read with fervor or more simply, you pray for the spirit to give you those things; desire, hope, perseverance.  You run the race for which you started and feel the excitement of getting to your destination.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 

1 Corinthians 9:24

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverancethe race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

Slow Days

What do you do with slow days? Not slow as is lack of things to do, but mentally you can't get motivated to do anything other then Internet surf?

I am having one of those days. I have filled my day with Pinterest.com, people.com,  thepioneerwoman.com, various other blogs, fall preview scanning, and hulu.com (just browsing not watching).  There are many things that i could be doing. I could finish my throw blanket, work on pendents, update photos, even work on my book.

I need a spurt of motivation!  Its one of those days!

Day 37: Eating an Elephant

I am the kind of girl that tries to find teachable moments in EVERYTHING... even in moments that are just, well, moments.  Meaning? I over think everything.  I am not sure when this started but has definitely been my life for the last few years. I think it’s my way of sifting through this life I live.  There has to be some meaning to where I am, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with. 

Who knows why I do it but most days it actually serves me well.  It allows me to see things from another perspective, which in turn pushes me to grow more.  Lately it’s pushed me to seek God's heart more, which is always a good thing.

The last 6 weeks have been new, exciting, scary, intriguing, and so many other adjectives.  My test of trust in the Lord has not once been denied.  I have had moments of wavering and questioning but the knowledge of why I did what I did hasn't wavered, just the how.  

The last 2 weeks, I have been fighting a virus of some sort.  The dreaded Flu has been my enemy.  Keeping me from work, fun days in the sun, and truly enjoying living. It tried its hardest to keep me from 4th of July fun but I resisted, probably to my own disadvantage.  I tried in those 2 weeks to find what God might be teaching me.  Is He teaching me patience? Rest? What?  Maybe, on some levels yes, but to be honest I don't think I learned much more then in those areas then I had already been learning.  I did learn simple truths, like: Your worth is not defined by what you do (or don't do).  Your body needs complete rest.  Editing photos drains you a lot more then you'd ever think.  And you can rely on your "family" to take care of you. Its ok!

This time has definitely left me scrambling in some ways.  My livelihood is dependent on my motivation, my focus, and my energy.  If I don't work, then I don't earn money, then I don't pay bills, etc etc.  I get that I am blessed to have people who are willing to support me but that can only go so far.  It can only last so long.  I also get that starting your own business takes time.  But being sick for two weeks definitely has taken the steam out of my engine.  I am left with questions, concerns, and confusion.  

My struggle, though, isn't really on the lack of motivation.  Its on the faith and trust I have in the Lord. I have never doubted His promptings to bring me to the place I am at. I have never questioned that, so why am I doing that now?  Its natural I guess.  Part of the human process.

So what do I do now?  I regroup.  I pray... ALOT.  And I move forward.  God has been faithful so far and he will continue to be faithful.  

One idea that my best friend and I use with each other a lot, especially when things get overwhelming, is the idea of eating an Elephant.  You don't try and it eats it in one sitting. You take it one bite at a time.  We often see the big things in front of us. We see our human ability to accomplish those hurdles and can often be sidetracked, overwhelmed and discouraged.  We see the big picture and not the details in between.  Life was never meant to be taken in all at once. Its a process and is racked full of processes. 

My journey is not over.  It’s just starting. The Mountain I have to climb is just getting started.  (WOW SO MANY METAPHORES).   I love challenges. I love adventures.  If it were a literal mountain, I’d look at it, grit my teeth and plunge through. I wouldn't get part way up and go, "nope, can't do it." I don't have that personality.  I would be too stubborn to ever do that. So why do I want to default to that now?  If I were on an expedition across the country and ran out of gas in Pennsylvania, I wouldn't turn back and go home.  I'd find a way to make the rest of the trip happen. I'd be too excited about the rest of the country I was about to see.   So here we go. Onward and upward.

Day 23: Satisfaction - June 24 2011

Original Post

When i first was thinking about leaving my 9 to 5 admin job, I really was concerned with what i would do with my time. I know me and i do MUCH better with structure. To give me open ended days with no outside structure was super intimidating. On top of that, i had to be self motivating. That isn't always my strong suit either. If given the opportunity, I'd let people come to me every time. I also wasn't 100% confident that photography was what i wanted to do. I felt my skills were extremely limited and in NYC, I knew i was well below the competition. I wasn't sure i had it in me to be the person i would need to be to earn an income.

I guess knowing this about me, I started out with making plans and goals for myself. I also gave myself permission to ease into this. I spent my first few weeks doing more baby sitting then shooting but that in itself motivated me more. It created a little more structure for myself. It also allowed me to get to know a few people more then i would have otherwise.

This last week, I got the opportunity to take maternity shots for one of my close friends which also allowed me to learn photoshop on a much deeper level. I have had so much fun editing photos. I find myself getting lost in one photo. The attention to detail that you need to have to do it is amazing and a tad overwhelming but i am learning lots of patience because of it. I am learning to slow and down and focus.

Because of my new lifestyle and career goals, it is opening me up to do more for myself and especially for other people. I can help friends move, watch friends' children, volunteer at local bookstores, make my roommate dinner (early), bake bread, write blog posts, research for a novel, run without hindrances, wear PJs all day, not wear make up for 3 days, and so much more. Now many of these don't pay the bills but they go beyond that. To hear the gratitude in peoples voices, to see faces light up, the pounds drop off, to grow closer to the Lord, that's all the payment in the world.

The last three weeks have done wonders for my heart and for my confidence. I feel more settled and ready for whatever God has in store for me. I feel far less anxious about what i am doing, who i am and where i am going. There is a point when you take such big steps of faith that you have to resign yourself to God's plan. You can't look back or waver. If you allow doubt to get in, its debilitating and soul sucking. I knew that doubt could be my ruler so i prepared my first few steps to be centered on spending time with the Lord and really securing my hope in him and not in success. Those were key in getting me through these first few weeks.

I don't know where this road is going to take me. I am not sure what i will be doing in 2 months. But i know that for right now, i am basking the grace of God, watching him transform my life and the people around me. I get the privilege of seeing people's needs get met and know that on some level I might have helped.