Waiting Here For You

I've been working from the comfort of my local coffee shop, Taszo, lately.  I get so much done here.  While I work I listen to Pandora.  I have my pandora station set to play the perfect list for me!  Its a mix of folky country, worship music, etc.  I get my Lone Bellow fix along with my Jesus music.  

As I was listening, Waiting Here for You by Christy Nockels came on.  The song made me pause my work to really take in the words and meaning.  This song speaks right to the heart of where I am right now.  I am in a place of expectation with my Lord.  Not an expectation without faith. I completely trust in His desire to provide. Its a sweet spot to be in.  Its like the child waiting on the father, the sheep waiting on the shepherd.  There is no doubt that He will come through.  I just want to sit in it, praising and trusting in my Lord.  I don't get this whole thing right a lot of the time, but knowing He is the author of my salvation, my life, my destiny keeps me moving forward. I know a lot of people in my life don't get the faith I have but it really is my most precious possession. I can't imagine my life without Jesus as my Lord.  I wish at times I could better articulate that but for now it will just have to be the way I live my life.  

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move

We come with expectation

Waiting here for you, waiting here for you

You're the Lord of all creation

And still you know my heart

The author of salvation

You've loved us from the start

Waiting here for you

With our hands lifted high in praise

And it's you we adore

Singing Alleluia

You are everything you've promised

Your faithfulness is true

And we're desperate for your presence

All we need is you

Waiting here for you, Lord

With our hands lifted high in praise

And it's you, Lord, we adore

Singing Alleluia

We will wait for you, Lord, he'll stand with you

We will sing alleluia

Singing Alleluia, alleluia

Singing Alleluia, alleluia

Waiting here for you

With our hands lifted high in praise

And it's you we adore, we adore

Singing Alleluia

Waiting here for you

With our hands lifted high in praise

And it's you we adore

Singing Alleluia, singing Alleluia

Waiting here for you

With our hands lifted high in praise

And it's you we adore, with our lives

Singing Alleluia, singing Alleluia

Shaking Things Up

As growing believers, we all go through dark times.  Times when we feel like the Lord is far from where we are.  For some its filled with doubt, some its filled with anger, some with fear and some its just deafening silence.  I have definitely been in those places.  Sometimes all of them at the same time.  I've really called on God to come through on some things just to feel like I am alone in the silence.  These "things" weren't all together selfish. Some were very real, very deep prayers for my spiritual growth or for other people.  Areas I felt the Lord would be interested in.

Lately, I have really wanted to throw my hands up and say "SHOW UP."  Somewhere deep inside I think I always knew He was there but my faith was waining, my resolve was all but empty.  I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't revealing himself in more real ways.  I wanted Him to stir my heart. I wanted him to awaken my soul.  Yet, i kept finding myself deeper and deeper in a world without his voice.  



There were some things in myself and in others around me that I knew He needed to change.  I felt strongly, and I thought scripture backed it up, that we couldn't do it on our own, that He needed to be at the heart of it.  Still there was Silence. Nothing.  



I wasn't truly seeking his heart, but I also was in a place where i didn't even know how to do that.  I needed Him to give me a kick in the pants and was fervently asking Him to do it.  I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that I COULD NOT do this on my own and was trusting and hoping he'd come through.



This week, I suddenly started to see just how in motion he was. Thoughts and desires I had were being displayed in very public ways.  The visions of leaders and pastors were, sometimes from the pulpit, expressing the desire for change and renewal that I was desperate for.  Devotions that I had long since given up on were speaking right to the heart of my hopes and fears.  I was getting a tiny glimpse of what God is doing.  He is totally and completely stirring things up.   He wasn't silent before. He was just working in the background, preparing me and so many others for what he was doing in the hearts and lives of the church, the city.

Our Words Have Meaning

I am a firm believer that we should always be students. Life s full of lessons and we have a choice to learn in those moments or stay in a land of immaturity, naivety, and ignorance. If we are honest with ourselves we all take the latter road at one point or another. Life or someone in our life may call us on where we are and we may choose to make excuses to stay just where we are. And if we are lucky, life, or the people in our lives, will continue to stick by us even as we live in a state of ignorance. If we are believers our relationship with Christ is hopefully that voice that steers us towards truth. Sometimes our selfishness or our patterns keep us from seeing or hearing that voice. 

I've definitely been there lately. I've chosen the latter, sometimes intentionally and sometimes just simply stuck in my ignorance. One of the voices I've been hearing lately is the one gently correcting me as I rant and rave about the "issues" in my life. If I feel I've been wronged or misunderstood then I complain to someone I trust. Then that complaint seems validated because I feel better and somewhat confirmed in what I've said. Very rarely do I address the issue head on but rather I complain the feelings into life.  I give them feet and hands sometimes. I start looking at the  source of my complaint as the thorn in my flesh instead of the gift they are from God. I no longer look for reconciliation or renewal rather I look for ways to avoid and reject responsibility. 

I am a person who believes the bible is the true word of God and is, among other things, meant to aid and guide us in the way of our Lord Jesus. I believe every word is God breathed and with purpose. I'll be the first to admit I don't get all or much of it and I scratch my head as to the reason for some of it but I also believe those parts have purpose and meaning only the Lord can truly understand.   Given that, I often feel like I have a voice and live a life of a hypocrite because in my actions I am living blatantly outside of what his word speaks to.  My words are not edifying. They don't bring renewal or truth. They are only used to advance my agenda and my desires.  As I was thinking lately about how abrasive my words can be, I've had a few verses pop into mind. As I sat down to look them up I was reminded of the weight of those verses and the impact they can have. 

 

The latter verse strikes a special chord in me! How easily our tongues can destroy any witness we have of the goodness of the lord! 

The thought that started this process happened as I heard myself rant to someone very close to me. I trust this person never to repeat the hurtful things I was spewing but as I was talking I imagined a speaker being hooked up to me without me knowing it and screaming these sad words to the people I never really wanted to hear them. Just how hurt they would be. Then I imagined their hearts breaking at the pettiness I was displaying when a simple conversation would have awoken us all to the pain being experienced.  I started to hear the pettiness, the miss represented behaviors and the lies in what I was feeling and in what I was saying.

As a Christian, God calls us to a higher standard. One that represents his desire for renewal, righteousness and peace, not one of selfish ambition, one upmanship and pride. Finding your way out from under the pile of waste built up over years of bad habits, false ideas and sin seems so daunting. Clinging to the One who brings revival of the spirit and the soul is my only choice and it's one I yearn to have. Choosing to no longer sit idle in the pattern of indifference is my next step; refusing to let spiritual laziness have its hold on me is my next goal.  

What is Normal for Me?

Life (overall) is pretty easy and fantastic compared to most people in the world. I get that, but I am really ready to have normal back.  I am ready to have my routine back.  The one where I work 2 days in the office, three at home.  For the last several weeks life has been too unpredictable.  I haven't known what was going to happen in a given week and I am realizing my personality doesn't like that long term.  First with the sudden labor of my dear friend and watching their kids, then a trip to see my parents, then the loss of my grandma and the loss of my roommate/best friend's grandma, then jury duty and now sickness and jury duty.  

I am not complaining or trying not to at least. I like that I have a life that can be flexible, that can be of help to people. Half of the things mentioned above I was happy to do or be a part of but quite honestly, I need a normal week or two where I know what's going to happen. One where I can make plans or not make plans.  One where I can go into the office and see my staff and not feel rushed or out of sorts.  One where I can make plans for my shop, my blog and yes even writing.  

What I am trying to do, in my human effort, is get a grasp as to why 1) its getting to me 2) why some things happen all at once 3) what and where does God want me?

I am in a place where I am blind to what He is doing.  Mostly because I have let myself get there but I also think he has me in a place of purpose, I am just not sure what that purpose is and how I can make it known.  

Prayer of Jesus

We are finishing up the New Testament through the Books of the Bible.  The Gospel of John is one of the last books in this format.  As I read this gospel for probably the 10th time, I noticed Jesus's prayer like I have never read it before. I love that, as Jesus is facing not just death, but humiliation, mocking and torture, he is praying for the people who will one day believe in him and the people who will show them who He is!  Its simply one of the most beautiful and humbling prayers!

Have a great rest of your Sunday and your September!

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I Am With You Always

This weekend was rich beyond words, but I will do my best to use them to share with you what I am learning. 

A few weeks ago, one of our teaching pastors spoke at one of the parishes I attend/work for.  He talked about how he spends time in the word (bible) 3 times a day, 20 minutes each time.  He'll read and then reflect on what he is reading.  Excited about the idea and eager to go deeper, I gave it a try.  Like I normally do, it was more like 2 times a day for 10 minutes and little reflection.  What I was doing was still impactful but I longed for the whole package.  I'd love to say, after two weeks, that I have it all together and am on my way to making the 3 times a day work. But I am still on the journey to that pattern.  In fact, in those two weeks I think I spent less time reading then I did before.  But the time I did read, I was truly enjoying it.

This weekend, the same pastor spoke but at a different parish.  This time, a few of the things he spoke about struck the same chord and this time, I felt the pull to try it again.  So Saturday night, I read for about 20 minutes in Mark and 1 Peter.  The various words I read and heard earlier that day were spinning but they were refusing to sit still.  So at midnight, I started free writing, not worrying about form, or grammar or anything. Just attempting to put down on paper the thoughts in my head.  I love to write, even quit my 9 to 5 last year to pursue it more.  But, for the last year I have been in such a block.  What used to set me free was weighing me down instead. This week, I've had a few tastes of that freedom again and its been amazing.  I don't always write for other people, sometimes I write for me. But regardless, I haven't felt free to do either in a long time.

On Sunday morning, I woke up wanting to read more.  That's when I came across this little gem.  I've read 2 Peter many times especially the verse "make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;  and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love." but the following verse caught my attention this time. "For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins."  I have really been struggling with the idea that I am ineffective & unproductive in my knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ.  Reflecting back to the verse before, I felt like my eyes were opened to a simple truth I have forgotten.  I am still processing this verse and what it means day to day.  But I am so excited about where it is going to take me.

Another verse that this pastor shared was from Jesus' Great Commission in Matthew.  As Jesus is commissioning the 11 disciples, he ends it with "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  Another verse I have heard over and over again, but something about this time was different. I was open to hearing it in a new way.  As Jesus is preparing them for ministry without him physically, he is reminding them that he isn't going anywhere. He will be with them... ALWAYS.  Just as he is with us... Always.  We aren't alone in this journey.  We try and do this all on our terms, our own strength, but He is still right there, to the very end of the age. Just a beautiful reminder of God's love and provision.  

On top of some other more practical things, this weekend was rich in blessings!  

Thanks all for your encouragement and for reading my blog!  You make me smile!

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{Guest Post} Season of Lack

Happy Wednesday!


Say a welcome and hello to my friend,  Courtney from Baxtron{Life}.  She is a friend in real life and in the blogosphere.  Thanks Courtney for the stopping by!

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#prayer #shereadstruth via baxtronlife

When Jerry and I moved back to NYC in the Fall of 2009, we had no idea that we'd be literally living out of our car, and at the grace of good friends for the first whole month. We had spent the last year and a half completely oblivious to the very real struggles that the dwindling economy were causing people in places outside of Southern Louisiana.


We were reading the articles and seeing the news about millions of Americans being jobless, but we weren't feeling the effect at all. We were in a bubble, making above average and paying below average, in the small community where we lived.


When we knew it was time to head back to NYC, we just packed up our car, made arrangements with a friend to stay for what we thought was going to be a week or so, (just until we got an apartment and jobs) and hit the road. It was a complete shock when finding an apartment became a nightmare, and jobs were few and far between. It became less about choosing a career path for ourselves, and more about just finding a job for some income.


After about 3 weeks at our friends house, we knew our welcome was wearing out, and we headed to a hotel in New Jersey where we reflected on the absolute madness of our very miscalculated plan to just "wing it" when we got back in the city.


While we were both distraught and full of doubt about our situation, we knew in our hearts that God was leading us back to NYC, we had prayed about it, and felt the peace to go. Thanks to God (and Craigslist), Jerry was able to take over a lease on a studio apartment in Harlem that didn't require proof of income, just good credit.


Shortly after that, I ended up connecting with a former co-worker who was able to hire me almost right away into a billing position, that I didn't want, but knew would ultimately get us back on track. One of our main reasons for going back to NYC was Jerry's desire to continue his acting career, building on the foundation that he had already laid there, so he began to pursue that immediately.

Hubs is so GQ @jerrybaxtron via baxtronlife

Despite my job and Jerry's business income, we were in no way making enough to cover all of our expenses. We were feeling the burn of the economy, and now could understand just what the majority of Americans had been feeling for some time. So, as Christians, who are determined to live our lives - not seeking to be blessed - but seeking to be a blessing, what could we do?

Probably one of the more humbling experiences a person can go through in life is a season of lack. Lack is defined as "The state of being without or not having enough of something." Having to constantly decline invitations from people for social outings, or to choose between paying credit cards or eating, can be incredibly damaging to the ego. At the same time, it can be extremely helpful when put in the right perspective.

There is something worthwhile to be found in seasons of lack. For one thing, in America, what we feel as a lack, would still often be luxury to people all over the world. We are quick to lose perspective of just how blessed we are to live in our country. But beyond a compassion for the billions of people living in a perpetual state of poverty around the world, beyond the deep gratitude that comes from realizing all that we have is truly a gift, is the development of true selfless and sacrificial giving.

Despite the hardships we faced during that first year or two back in the city, we've developed into people who truly think constantly about how to be a blessing with what have, and we've become grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we are missing.  During that season, we continued to give a percentage of our income to our spiritual family, and when we couldn't give financially, we gave of our time, and what we did have. We fought our tendencies to judge the less fortunate, and instead strove to give to any who asked of us.

Radical generosity is one of our pursuits in life. Jerry and I have always dreamt of being able to "reverse tithe." A tithe is simply 10% of what we receive, so to reverse this, we'd give back 90% of what we receive. As we have moved (by His grace) out of a long season of lack, we are incredibly grateful for the eternal perspective that we gained through that trying time, and we want to encourage anyone who is currently struggling in a season of lack, to not miss out on the priceless treasures that only this season can give you.

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Thanks Courtney for stopping by and sharing some Godley wisdom with us!

Have a good week!

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Dwell in the Shelter

Do you ever struggle with identity? Who you are. What you want to be.  Who everyone thinks you are?  I do.  Last year I wrote a post on the lies we listen to about ourselves.  Its funny how sometimes we cycle through the things we struggle with.  Although Identity has always been a struggle of mine, it often hits me more at certain times then others.

I often listen to lies like: "Why aren't you married yet? You aren't skinny enough. You aren't smart enough, talented enough. You haven't done enough... today, ever! Your worth is based on whether you do this or don't do this. You need their acceptance. You can do more."  Some of them are so so subtle that I don't even realize they exist until someone calls me on it. I am sure we all have those lies spinning around our heads.

Since last year, I know I've grown a lot in this area.  Hec, I think i've grown a lot just in the last two months.  My need to please isn't nearly where it was in the Spring... Winter... oh and definitely the fall.  But this week I started to feel the inner workings of doubt crawl back in.  The little voice that says you aren't good enough. 

The difference is funny to me.  Last year, I blamed society for feeding me some of the lies I was believing.  Now, I am realizing that no one is feeding me these lies except for myself.  They aren't true.  They aren't God's expectations.  Even if on some level, they are, there is a grace and love that flows from God's love for us that doesn't use those expectations like nooses around us but rather guidelines to help us grow in deep unity with him.

I am a results driven person. I like to see proof of my efforts. I also crave acknowledgment for those efforts even if it comes in minimal forms. It will often cost me time, energy and even my health. The need to know I am accepted and understood through acknowledgment of my efforts is crucial. If the right amount of acknowledgment doesn't show then I do more to add on to what I am doing so that one day, maybe, someone will notice. 

I had a friend tell me once: "Your worth is not defined by what you do!" BAM. Right to the heart. So much of what I do and how I function is in little moments like that. Areas where I think I am doing what's expected of me but underneath its more about losing respect or favor if I don't do it, even its at the expense of my wellbeing.

I mostly find myself wrapped up in numbers.  My blog is where a lot of my energy lies lately.  Seeing the numbers shoot up, meeting new friends, etc.  Some days i will see the numbers go down.  Those days I wonder what I did to make them go away.  Or what didn't I do to keep them there.  Remembering that the reason I write on this blog isn't about the numbers but about the voice.  Its about writing and meeting new people.  Its about bringing joy to people.  Some days its even about processing out loud. Its not about fake numbers that reflect someone's desire to win a give-a-way.    

The Lord has been using moments like that to show me my worth is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Its not defined by the items I check off today or the money I bring in tomorrow. It’s not about the number of friends that show up on my facebook wall or the readers of this blog. Its not defined by who I take pictures of or what I write.

The following verses really showed me who God is in my life and how much he loves me and wants to see me grow and flourish! He is fighting for me. Sometimes we think no one is on our side, no one understands. God does even if we don't feel it in the moment.

The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.  Zephaniah 3:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91

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Books Of The Bible - "Jesus Wasn't Very Nice."

A few months ago, my pastor/boss attended a conference in Washington DC (QIdeas).  When he came back, he was excited about a new "book" they presented.  The book, called "Books of the Bible" is the NIV translation of the New Testiment but re-ordered and the format changed.  They took out the chapters and verse numbers along with a few other format changes to what we are typically used to with the bible.

At first, I was skeptical or rather bored by the idea of a new translation and book fad until I stopped to listen about what it really is.  Its the NIV translation so its not any different then what I'm used to.  Its just ordered differently.  The video below will explain it better then I can.

Along with the book,  they were promoting a group called the Community Bible Experience.  You basically just get together like a book club and go through the New Testament.  My church decided to start some groups.  I soon decided to pitch it to my discipleship group.  We started a few weeks ago.  

Its been pretty awesome. I am in no way a representative of Q or of Biblica.  I have no relationship with them other then being a consumer.  I am just a curious Christian woman who is reading through the bible with her girls.  I've been so blown away by reading this book.  I've seen things I never saw before.  To top that, in our group, we've had the most candid and curious conversations about the bible and the person of Jesus that I've ever had. 

"Jesus wasn't very nice." is one of the statements I've made as I read through the Luke.  Luke is the first book in the order.  To read it before Matthew or Mark or even John, you get a different, less soft view of Jesus.  Don't worry, we didn't stop there and write Jesus off as an unkind savior.... you have to read it in context, knowing who the writer was and who he was writing too. Its been challenging but in a way that leads you to read more, dig more, desire more of the Living God and the Holy Trinity.  I can't wait to go deeper.

I'm not necessarily plugging the book or the experience, but if you are looking to read through the New Testament, I recommend you taking this approach.  Some bible apps have it in their list now.  

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"I Love You"

Last week, I went home to see my parents.  Right before I left to see them I found out my grandmother was very sick and they didn't think she had long.  So while I was home, I decided to spend as much time with her as possible.  Typically, I visit her at the nursing home 1-2 times while i am home. But this time I went every day.  

My grandmother has a roommate, Mrs. LaRue.  She's a sweet Alzheimer's patient.  She's fairly quiet.  She'll say hello and sometimes complement your blouse.  But the one thing she says over and over again is "I Love You."  Its not constant but randomly though out each stay, she'd look over at me and just say "I Love You."  Now I understand that she has no idea who I am and probably thinks I am someone close to her.  What strikes me is that even if she thinks I am her own child or grandchild, she still says I Love You several times.  Of all the things she could say, "I Love You" is her choice.  Maybe its just me, but that is amazing to me.  Even though she doesn't mean much to me personally, hearing the words "I Love You" from a stranger still makes me smile and warms my heart.

How often do you tell the ones you love that you love them?

Growing up, especially in high school and college, telling someone you loved them was a big deal. It took lots of thought and precision.  Maybe not so much with family but definitely with friends and significant others.  My parents were always good at telling me they loved me, but it wasn't every other thought... I mean really, who does that?  Its just not normal to tell someone you love them constantly or as you think it.

It wasn't until my 30s that those three little words began to flow more freely.

Why don't we tell people we love them often?  As we think it?  I remember several conversations in college about those words and how protective people were with them.  Even recently I saw on a movie or TV show a conversation about how no one had ever said those words... even to family.  

Why do we guard ourselves?  Is it fear of being vulnerable? Fear of not hearing it back? Love is definitely biblical. So if you are a believer, we are definitely called to love.  Even those who are not easy to love.  I would think that part of loving someone is expressed through words.

I've noticed in the last few years, the amount of people I freely tell I love you to has grown.  Its not flippant.  I don't say I Love You because its some salutation. I say it because somewhere in my heart, you are someone I care about and want you to know that.  I can tell with some, its not received without awkwardness, but I don't care.  I think everyone needs to hear they are loved and often.  I hear it from a Alzheimer's patient that has no idea who I am and I go week in the knees.  Imagine hearing it from someone who knows you and appreciates you.

Now, I don't say it to those I love as often as sweet Mrs. LaRue. I am not sure it would sound authentic. But I definitely say as I am aware of it.   Sometimes I say it using other words or actions.  A slight touch on the arm, a "You are my favorite", or a hug around the neck.  Those are all forms of I Love You. 

I challenge you today, to tell someone you love them. Out of the blue but with heart.  See how they react.  How did you react? Or tell me I am on crack :)  

How Can I Be Praying?

Prayer is such a key part of my faith. I don't pretend to have it all figured out. In fact, I wish i understood it more.  But I do know the power that is behind it.  For 8 weeks, my staff has been getting together to pray for our fellow staff member, Rickey, who was in an accident.  We get together to pray for his recovery, for his journey and his family.  I have been to most of the meetings, not because i think its some magical pill we can take to make Rickey all better but because there is something so sweet and precious about people coming together to pray for their own.  To join God in what he's doing, even when we don't understand it.

Family Meeting

Picture Curtesy of Kristen Whalen

For those who have been in the church for awhile,  I hope this has been your experience. I am very aware of the fact that this is not normal as it hasn't always been normal for me. But these days its very normal.

A friend of mine who attends my church was admitted to the hospital this week for some anxiety and mental health related issues.  Its something they have dealt with most of their life but they realized that they wanted a break from it.

This person has family close by but I get the impression they aren't close and probably has some baggage there.  That's just my assumption!  But he says his church is his family, we are his family.  We say that to each other lots but it wasn't until this week that I truly understood it.

As soon as he was taken to the ER, people from our church were there! I think at one point there was 15 of us.  People have been there pretty much around the clock. Even if we can't see him, we're waiting in the waiting room in case he needs us.

Two or three of his friends, who have experience navigating the system have been his advocates, making sure he asks the right questions and that he's getting the right kind of help.  They are coordinating visitors, information, etc.  They emailed today saying they are having a "family meeting" tomorrow with the doctor to talk about treatment and next steps.  I loved that these 2-3 people who are not his flesh and blood are part of the "family meeting." They know him better then his own family and are fighting for him as a family should.  Its just such a beautiful picture of what Christ intended the church to be.  This is what being a part of a Christian Community should be like.  We should be like family.  The people we call on when life is overwhelming and unbearable.  The people we can feel safe with when things aren't good.  The people we know won't judge or condemn but will love and provide! This is what I hope the rest of the world would see Christians as!  This is what I pray the Church will become in the eyes of the rest of the world. A place of hope, acceptance, love.  

Identity

We all have times in our lives where we realize something about ourselves. Sometimes we realize our limitations. Sometimes where we excel. Sometimes a little of both. It's something, hopefully, we do all throughout our lives as we grow.

I am in my mid thirties and feel like I'm still trying to figure out who I am. What makes me tick? What am I passionate about? What do I really want in life?

In many ways its usually about the bigger picture, really, and less about my personality. It's not always about: am I kind? Am I patient? Am I loving? Recently those things have been on my mind. Who am I in the midst of life? I struggle between who I think I am and who I want to be.

Taming the Tongue

As christians, we all go through times of refinement.  Taming the tongue is one that I have been in for a while.  My discipleship group is studying James.  Appropriate for me! The tongue is a reflection of what you are thinking and feeling which leads to the real refinement issue. Pride, acceptance, worth, humility, these are the areas of true weakness.


James 3:2-12

What I Am Learning From a Ball of Yarn

Last night I was working on a knitting project that i have been working on for a while when the skein of yarn I was using spazed out and I realized I'd have to roll it into a ball of yarn.  That happens sometimes with larger skeins.  You have to find the other end of the yarn and create a ball of yarn instead.  Often times that means stopping what you are doing and sitting patiently as you work the yarn into submission.  It takes a patience that not many people have.  I somehow gained the skill when I was pretty young.  I could sit and unravel chains for hours.  The funny thing is, in reality and in life, I don't have that kind of patience... At least I don't think i do.  I have a hard time waiting for anything.

God's Box - Still Trusting

Sometime when I was in grad school someone recommended making a "God Box."  I can't remember who and how it came up but I made it.  The purpose, I believe, was to put your prayers, those that you can't carry anymore, in the box symbolizing giving them to the Lord.  It was totally a little girl-sized exercise, but I did it. I put three prayers in there that I know I had been praying about and likely obsessing about for years.  It was really a symbolic gesture, allowing myself to physically do what I wanted to do emotionally and spiritually.  

The Right Thing To Say

photo curtesy of kimmcilrathphotography.com

Have you ever had someone tell you something pretty big and important and you don't know how to respond.  I had someone tell me something recently that was a pretty earth shattering revelation to them. I had already known it was coming but for them to admit it to me was a HUGE step.  

Define Yourself - Wendy Blight

So I don't often post other peoples bogs or posts but this morning I happened upon this.  I haven't been reading these devotions lately because I have been spending time studying the book of James instead but this morning I was deleting emails and I saw the title.  The title alone struck me given the areas in which I have been struggling the last couple of days.  It spoke right to me, almost as if Wendy and I had been having a conversation and this was her response.  I felt I would share it with you.

Sweet Discipline, Part 2

Picture curtesy of HGTV

I wrote a blog the other day about God's discipline on my life. Another area of discipline for me has been in how we view ourselves in relation to the situations and people around us.  I've heard several people in various places lately make comments like "I deserve this" or "I just want to be recognized for this" or "I need to do this for me."  Most times I have been the one saying these things.  

Sweet Discipline

I have been on the child end of some God sized discipline lately.  Its been gentle and affirming, but man has it stung at times.

I had a friend/acquaintance call me out on a post I made several months ago.  At first, it angered me. I thought she was being too sensitive, judgmental and narrow minded. But soon after that awkward and painful confrontation, I realized, she wasn't the one who was being judgmental or narrow minded. I was. The discipline was fairly immediate but I can't say that it stopped there nor that it was swift.  The conversation has played over and over in my brain for months now.  Bits and pieces of what she said stick out in ways I never saw coming.  Its slowly been changing and molding how I see people.  

I realized how much of a snob I had become.  Some people wouldn't know it because I can hide it most of the time, but I had a tendency to judge and pigeon hole people, alienating them based on how I was feeling or how I would be affected by them.  Since that conversation several relationships have been evaluated and I realized I kept certain people at arms length because they didn't fit a standard I thought I needed to keep myself "safe".  I knew i had a self centered tendency but OH BOY I didn't realize the depth of it. 

The song "F*ing Perfect" by Pink has a verse that constantly plays in my head now.

Done looking for the critics

'Cause they're everywhere

They don't like my jeans

They don't get my hair

Strange ourselves

And we do it all the time

Why do we do that?

Why do I do that?

Why do we tear others down because they are different from us or different from the "norm" (whatever that is?) Even if its in the comfort of our close friends or worse the comfort of our own minds.  Sometimes I think its a sport for some of us.  One thing my friend said to me that stuck the most that sits well with the verses above is "as women, why do we find it so easy to tear each other down... I don't want to be part of a church that does that to each other."  Its true. I don't either yet I am one of the worst offenders.  Not maliciously, of course, but more passively which I think can be just as dangerous.


Even though its been months since that conversation, I still have moments when her words come back to me pretty strongly and I find myself smiling at what its still teaching me.  


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James 2:1-4 - My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 2:8-10 - If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

Philippians 2:1-8 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Hosea 10:12 - Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.