Shaking Things Up

As growing believers, we all go through dark times.  Times when we feel like the Lord is far from where we are.  For some its filled with doubt, some its filled with anger, some with fear and some its just deafening silence.  I have definitely been in those places.  Sometimes all of them at the same time.  I've really called on God to come through on some things just to feel like I am alone in the silence.  These "things" weren't all together selfish. Some were very real, very deep prayers for my spiritual growth or for other people.  Areas I felt the Lord would be interested in.

Lately, I have really wanted to throw my hands up and say "SHOW UP."  Somewhere deep inside I think I always knew He was there but my faith was waining, my resolve was all but empty.  I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't revealing himself in more real ways.  I wanted Him to stir my heart. I wanted him to awaken my soul.  Yet, i kept finding myself deeper and deeper in a world without his voice.  



There were some things in myself and in others around me that I knew He needed to change.  I felt strongly, and I thought scripture backed it up, that we couldn't do it on our own, that He needed to be at the heart of it.  Still there was Silence. Nothing.  



I wasn't truly seeking his heart, but I also was in a place where i didn't even know how to do that.  I needed Him to give me a kick in the pants and was fervently asking Him to do it.  I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that I COULD NOT do this on my own and was trusting and hoping he'd come through.



This week, I suddenly started to see just how in motion he was. Thoughts and desires I had were being displayed in very public ways.  The visions of leaders and pastors were, sometimes from the pulpit, expressing the desire for change and renewal that I was desperate for.  Devotions that I had long since given up on were speaking right to the heart of my hopes and fears.  I was getting a tiny glimpse of what God is doing.  He is totally and completely stirring things up.   He wasn't silent before. He was just working in the background, preparing me and so many others for what he was doing in the hearts and lives of the church, the city.

Some Goals Are Easier Than Others (and a Giveaway)

Good Morning, my sweet Friends! I hope that your Wednesday is treating you well!  

I accidentally slept in this morning. I got swallowed up into my first book of the year and stayed up way too late.  When my alarm went off instead of hitting snooze,  I hit off.  EEK.  So its been a slow morning.

Speaking of slow.  

As you may have read, I have 13 goals for 2013! You might have read about some of them here, here and here.

I still owe you some posts explaining some of them but I just wanted to update you on the 3-4 I have posted about!

I would love to say that my #1 goal "Working on My Spiritual Growth" and "Finish Reading Through the BIble" were going swimmingly but so far its the one I have failed at the most. I even set smaller goals to help bench mark that growth and I have failed at those too."

I am part of a women's bible study and we are reading through part of the old testament, Genesis through Kings.  So i have the built in accountability but I still am barely doing it.  Still I choose to write a blog post, work out or even surf the web over reading the OT.  Now granted, I am in Deuteronomy so its not the easiest, softest reading I could be doing but still. I am just not making it a priority.  I am trying to have grace with myself but when is the point that you stop having grace and start disciplining yourself.  Sometimes I think that's what i need to kick start something I am having trouble with. 

Getting spiritually healthy is to me the same as getting physically healthy.  Its not something I think I should be taking lightly.  Its not that I think God will love me less or even more by doing or not doing these things. I simply think that my soul, my heart and my mind will be better if I make this a priority so why is it that its easier to add workout routines to my day but not 20-30 minutes with my Lord?  

So that's where I am at with #1 in 2013! The others are going well! But this one is waning! 

Here are some of the other thngs I have been doing
1) finished my first book of the year - Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks
2) Signed up for a half-marathon in Allentown, PA in April
3) Started learning how to Crochet (had to stop because I now have 5 orders in the Etsy que)
4) Sorted through my yarn and donated about 30-40% of it
5) Started setting up my studio (check my etsy site later today for proof of that)
6) Complete 6 workouts last week which included 7.5 miles
7) Lost 4 pounds

Its nice listing out the things I have made progress on. Seeing them on the screen makes me feel like less of a failure (wink wink).

Thanks everyone for humoring me today! I hope you are having a great week.  


Before you leave, enter the giveaway below. I am helping GirlBooklet celebrate 500 followers!

Package 1
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Package 2

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Package 3

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Prayer of Jesus

We are finishing up the New Testament through the Books of the Bible.  The Gospel of John is one of the last books in this format.  As I read this gospel for probably the 10th time, I noticed Jesus's prayer like I have never read it before. I love that, as Jesus is facing not just death, but humiliation, mocking and torture, he is praying for the people who will one day believe in him and the people who will show them who He is!  Its simply one of the most beautiful and humbling prayers!

Have a great rest of your Sunday and your September!

-------------------------------------------
{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

I Am With You Always

This weekend was rich beyond words, but I will do my best to use them to share with you what I am learning. 

A few weeks ago, one of our teaching pastors spoke at one of the parishes I attend/work for.  He talked about how he spends time in the word (bible) 3 times a day, 20 minutes each time.  He'll read and then reflect on what he is reading.  Excited about the idea and eager to go deeper, I gave it a try.  Like I normally do, it was more like 2 times a day for 10 minutes and little reflection.  What I was doing was still impactful but I longed for the whole package.  I'd love to say, after two weeks, that I have it all together and am on my way to making the 3 times a day work. But I am still on the journey to that pattern.  In fact, in those two weeks I think I spent less time reading then I did before.  But the time I did read, I was truly enjoying it.

This weekend, the same pastor spoke but at a different parish.  This time, a few of the things he spoke about struck the same chord and this time, I felt the pull to try it again.  So Saturday night, I read for about 20 minutes in Mark and 1 Peter.  The various words I read and heard earlier that day were spinning but they were refusing to sit still.  So at midnight, I started free writing, not worrying about form, or grammar or anything. Just attempting to put down on paper the thoughts in my head.  I love to write, even quit my 9 to 5 last year to pursue it more.  But, for the last year I have been in such a block.  What used to set me free was weighing me down instead. This week, I've had a few tastes of that freedom again and its been amazing.  I don't always write for other people, sometimes I write for me. But regardless, I haven't felt free to do either in a long time.

On Sunday morning, I woke up wanting to read more.  That's when I came across this little gem.  I've read 2 Peter many times especially the verse "make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;  and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love." but the following verse caught my attention this time. "For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins."  I have really been struggling with the idea that I am ineffective & unproductive in my knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ.  Reflecting back to the verse before, I felt like my eyes were opened to a simple truth I have forgotten.  I am still processing this verse and what it means day to day.  But I am so excited about where it is going to take me.

Another verse that this pastor shared was from Jesus' Great Commission in Matthew.  As Jesus is commissioning the 11 disciples, he ends it with "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  Another verse I have heard over and over again, but something about this time was different. I was open to hearing it in a new way.  As Jesus is preparing them for ministry without him physically, he is reminding them that he isn't going anywhere. He will be with them... ALWAYS.  Just as he is with us... Always.  We aren't alone in this journey.  We try and do this all on our terms, our own strength, but He is still right there, to the very end of the age. Just a beautiful reminder of God's love and provision.  

On top of some other more practical things, this weekend was rich in blessings!  

Thanks all for your encouragement and for reading my blog!  You make me smile!

------------------------------------------- 
{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

What I Am Learning From a Ball of Yarn

Last night I was working on a knitting project that i have been working on for a while when the skein of yarn I was using spazed out and I realized I'd have to roll it into a ball of yarn.  That happens sometimes with larger skeins.  You have to find the other end of the yarn and create a ball of yarn instead.  Often times that means stopping what you are doing and sitting patiently as you work the yarn into submission.  It takes a patience that not many people have.  I somehow gained the skill when I was pretty young.  I could sit and unravel chains for hours.  The funny thing is, in reality and in life, I don't have that kind of patience... At least I don't think i do.  I have a hard time waiting for anything.

Stuck in the Mud

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you want to move forward but something holds you back.  For some it might be a dream job that requires risk.  For some it might be a relationship.  For me, right now, I find myself somewhat stuck in my faith.  Not in a way that i am losing or struggling with my faith but really going forward with it.


New or young followers are often referred to as children in relation to their faith.  Our relationship with God isn't made perfect over night.  He is perfect, but we are not and our human efforts will tend to leave us wanting more.  It takes time, a lifetime, to really truly develop your faith.  It takes a lifetime of walking with the Lord.  But at some point along the way, you should find yourself maturing over remaining like a child.  In some respects, being like children when approaching our Heavenly Father, our Creator is necessary but in regards to our pursuit of God, we should grow up, right?

Destroying Thoughts

Our thoughts are tricky little buggers, aren't they?  They can often turn a good mood into a sullen one.  They can create scenarios and expectations that might not really exist.  They can turn words from a friend into palpable actions without you even knowing it.  Psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, pastors, friends spend their lives dispelling the run-a-way affects that our thoughts can have on us.  

My thoughts are what lead me astray more then anything else.  I either get caught up in them so much that I don’t hear or see anything around me or I allow them to take me places I shouldn’t go, like into self-doubt, insecurity, fear, etc.  Sometimes they keep me from a good night's sleep. Sometimes they keep me from hearing what others are saying, because i am trapped inside of them.  

My thoughts have been what has gotten the best of me this last few weeks.  With my new job, I have found that some old baggage, that i thought I had dealt with, had creeped back in.  I have put words, thoughts, actions and expectations on myself by other people because of pain I experienced in the past.  The thoughts that began to stir and build up were beginning to make me isolate myself from people and groups.  I felt myself beginning to shut down and it was freaking me out.

The Lies We Listen To.

Why aren't you married yet? What's wrong with you? You aren't pretty enough. You aren't skinny enough. You aren't smart enough, talented enough. You haven't done enough... today, ever! Your worth is based on whether you do this or don't do this. You need their acceptance. Stay away from those types. Why aren't you more like her/them? Who are you going to be today? God is so disappointed with you. You haven't grown enough. You haven't served enough. You can do more.

Those are just a few of the lies that I believe. Some days I believe most of them. Some days I believe just one or two. Some of them are so so subtle that I don't even realize they exist until someone calls me on it. I am sure we all have those lies spinning around our heads.

Identity is something I have been really struggling with (or rather its the topic of growth lately). And ironically enough, its the topic of the week for the study my discipleship group is working through. Its always funny to me how things kind of work together. How God really does ordain the little things. How he knits together the experiences in just the way that you begin to learn, take in his words, his truths, his love.

This morning, I went for my run, finally feeling well enough to run after being sick with the flu for 2 weeks. As I began the run, I was listening to a song by Sara Haze called, Lovely. As the song played, it resonated with emotions, thoughts, and truths that I have been thinking about lately. Society and our communities are good at telling us who we should be, how we should look, where we should be, etc. In the Christian community, although we try and buck these vices, we often create deeper-rooted expectations for ourselves and the people around us. You should be married by this age, kids by this time, successful by this time, etc and etc. But more then that, we often have a culture of expectation around what we do and don't do. Sometimes those expectations are subtle and sometimes they are societal norms. But they aren't always God's expectations and even if on some level, they are, there is a grace and love that flows from his love for us that doesn't use those expectations like nooses around us but rather guidelines to help us grow in deep unity with him.

But lately I have realized that the expectations weighing down on me are not society, community, culture or even God. They are from some distorted truth I have soaked in for a long time. I am not sure if they started with a lie that I chose to believe about who I was and then soaked in it long enough that it became such an unconscious part of who I was? I am a results driven person. I like to see proof of my efforts. I also crave acknowledgment for those efforts even if it comes in minimal forms. It will often cost me time, energy and even my health. The need to know I am accepted and understood through acknowledgment of my efforts is crucial. If the right amount of acknowledgment doesn't show then I do more to add on to what I am doing so that one day, maybe, someone will notice. In the past it meant pulling long hours, taking on more then I had time or energy to do. It cost me some relationships or at the very least did some damage. Currently it comes in the success of my business or what I do in between.

I recently got reprimanded because I followed through on an expectation someone had of me while I had the flu. Letting that person down and so many others (I felt) was worse then not getting rest or sleep. My friend looked at me in the midst of it and said. "Your worth is not defined by what you do!" BAM. Right to the heart. I have been marinating in that since. So much of what I do and how I function is in little moments like that. Areas where I think I am doing what's expected of me but underneath its more about losing respect or favor if I don't do it, even its at the expense of my wellbeing.

The Lord has been using moments like that to show me my worth is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Its not defined by the items I check off today or the money I bring in tomorrow. It’s not about the number of friends that show up on my facebook wall or the readers of this blog. Its not defined by who I take pictures of or what I write.

The following verses were part of the study I am working on this week and aided in really showing me who God is in my life and how much he loves me and wants to see me grow and flourish! He is fighting for me. Sometimes we think no one is on our side, no one understands. God does even if we don't feel it in the moment.

“The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." Zephaniah 3:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91