Our Words Have Meaning

I am a firm believer that we should always be students. Life s full of lessons and we have a choice to learn in those moments or stay in a land of immaturity, naivety, and ignorance. If we are honest with ourselves we all take the latter road at one point or another. Life or someone in our life may call us on where we are and we may choose to make excuses to stay just where we are. And if we are lucky, life, or the people in our lives, will continue to stick by us even as we live in a state of ignorance. If we are believers our relationship with Christ is hopefully that voice that steers us towards truth. Sometimes our selfishness or our patterns keep us from seeing or hearing that voice. 

I've definitely been there lately. I've chosen the latter, sometimes intentionally and sometimes just simply stuck in my ignorance. One of the voices I've been hearing lately is the one gently correcting me as I rant and rave about the "issues" in my life. If I feel I've been wronged or misunderstood then I complain to someone I trust. Then that complaint seems validated because I feel better and somewhat confirmed in what I've said. Very rarely do I address the issue head on but rather I complain the feelings into life.  I give them feet and hands sometimes. I start looking at the  source of my complaint as the thorn in my flesh instead of the gift they are from God. I no longer look for reconciliation or renewal rather I look for ways to avoid and reject responsibility. 

I am a person who believes the bible is the true word of God and is, among other things, meant to aid and guide us in the way of our Lord Jesus. I believe every word is God breathed and with purpose. I'll be the first to admit I don't get all or much of it and I scratch my head as to the reason for some of it but I also believe those parts have purpose and meaning only the Lord can truly understand.   Given that, I often feel like I have a voice and live a life of a hypocrite because in my actions I am living blatantly outside of what his word speaks to.  My words are not edifying. They don't bring renewal or truth. They are only used to advance my agenda and my desires.  As I was thinking lately about how abrasive my words can be, I've had a few verses pop into mind. As I sat down to look them up I was reminded of the weight of those verses and the impact they can have. 

 

The latter verse strikes a special chord in me! How easily our tongues can destroy any witness we have of the goodness of the lord! 

The thought that started this process happened as I heard myself rant to someone very close to me. I trust this person never to repeat the hurtful things I was spewing but as I was talking I imagined a speaker being hooked up to me without me knowing it and screaming these sad words to the people I never really wanted to hear them. Just how hurt they would be. Then I imagined their hearts breaking at the pettiness I was displaying when a simple conversation would have awoken us all to the pain being experienced.  I started to hear the pettiness, the miss represented behaviors and the lies in what I was feeling and in what I was saying.

As a Christian, God calls us to a higher standard. One that represents his desire for renewal, righteousness and peace, not one of selfish ambition, one upmanship and pride. Finding your way out from under the pile of waste built up over years of bad habits, false ideas and sin seems so daunting. Clinging to the One who brings revival of the spirit and the soul is my only choice and it's one I yearn to have. Choosing to no longer sit idle in the pattern of indifference is my next step; refusing to let spiritual laziness have its hold on me is my next goal.  

Shifting the Focus

I am so excited to have Courtney from Baxtron{Life} here today! Courtney is a friend in real life as well as a blogger friend and mentor! I've loved getting to know her more this year and I can't wait for you to read her post today!  I love fresh, real and meaningful posts and this one is one of those!  Grab a good cup of coffee (or tea), sit down and stay awhile!

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 Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life.  As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it.  I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.

At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire.  I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life.  But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself."  As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.

I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain.  And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away.  And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.

On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot.  He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him.  My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio.  He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.

In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen.  I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered.  I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life.  And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God.  I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child.  Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life.  Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that someone's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.

That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.

And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him.  And now, that choice is the one that will  make a much greater impact on my life going forward.  I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain.  No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow.  That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.

As we approach the Christmas holiday, I'm focusing on the gift that I've already received in Jesus.  And that means my eyes are on the solution.  That means my eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.

I'm Courtney, a Christ-following wife, mama and lifestyle blogger. 

My blog Baxtron{Life} is a place where I share everything that I love, lots of pictures of life in NYC with our little family of three, daily musings, fun link-ups and some of the real struggles of my life.  

I would love to connect with you via: Twitter, Instagram or Pinterest! Come say hello!

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{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

What's Your Excuse?

I feel awful that I haven't posted much lately.  I feel like I have a sense of obligation to post more but to be completely honest, the last few weeks have been uber rough.  Between life, the demands of my shop and my mom being in the hospital for Kidney failure, I've been uber distracted.  If it didn't involve my paying job, my shop or my mom, it just hasn't been a priority.  Sponsor obligations have even been lower on the scale than normal.

I really wish I could do the "This week in Recap" in pictures. But all you'd see is pictures of my shop items strewn across my living room floor, a box of used tissues on my table and my computer on my lap.  

I am trying though and I plan to get back to it. I love the blogging world and I love being involved, I just haven't had it in me.  I know you understand because we have all been in that place before. Life happens and we just don't have what it takes to keep up with everything.

I'd love to say that its just my blogging that has suffered but many personal areas of my life has been suffering, including my faith and my walk with Jesus.  I just haven't been motivated or excited to do much of anything lately.  Its nothing that is new to any believer, i promise but it still feels pretty crappy when you are in the middle of it.  I'd love to hear what you do when you feel life has run you over. If you are a believer, what are some things that you do to reconnect with the Lord. If you aren't, what are some things you do to feel encouraged or motivated?  I'd love to hear from you! Seriously.  I need some accountability and some encouragement so I'd love to hear what you do when you feel down!  Also, what do you do regarding your blog or your work?  Do you have some advise on keeping up with things that take more energy than you have?  

I know that this is just a phase or a blip in the journey. I know that soon things will be better. I have no doubt that I will come through all of this stronger and more connected but for now I could use the extra help!

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{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

Day 37: Eating an Elephant

I am the kind of girl that tries to find teachable moments in EVERYTHING... even in moments that are just, well, moments.  Meaning? I over think everything.  I am not sure when this started but has definitely been my life for the last few years. I think it’s my way of sifting through this life I live.  There has to be some meaning to where I am, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with. 

Who knows why I do it but most days it actually serves me well.  It allows me to see things from another perspective, which in turn pushes me to grow more.  Lately it’s pushed me to seek God's heart more, which is always a good thing.

The last 6 weeks have been new, exciting, scary, intriguing, and so many other adjectives.  My test of trust in the Lord has not once been denied.  I have had moments of wavering and questioning but the knowledge of why I did what I did hasn't wavered, just the how.  

The last 2 weeks, I have been fighting a virus of some sort.  The dreaded Flu has been my enemy.  Keeping me from work, fun days in the sun, and truly enjoying living. It tried its hardest to keep me from 4th of July fun but I resisted, probably to my own disadvantage.  I tried in those 2 weeks to find what God might be teaching me.  Is He teaching me patience? Rest? What?  Maybe, on some levels yes, but to be honest I don't think I learned much more then in those areas then I had already been learning.  I did learn simple truths, like: Your worth is not defined by what you do (or don't do).  Your body needs complete rest.  Editing photos drains you a lot more then you'd ever think.  And you can rely on your "family" to take care of you. Its ok!

This time has definitely left me scrambling in some ways.  My livelihood is dependent on my motivation, my focus, and my energy.  If I don't work, then I don't earn money, then I don't pay bills, etc etc.  I get that I am blessed to have people who are willing to support me but that can only go so far.  It can only last so long.  I also get that starting your own business takes time.  But being sick for two weeks definitely has taken the steam out of my engine.  I am left with questions, concerns, and confusion.  

My struggle, though, isn't really on the lack of motivation.  Its on the faith and trust I have in the Lord. I have never doubted His promptings to bring me to the place I am at. I have never questioned that, so why am I doing that now?  Its natural I guess.  Part of the human process.

So what do I do now?  I regroup.  I pray... ALOT.  And I move forward.  God has been faithful so far and he will continue to be faithful.  

One idea that my best friend and I use with each other a lot, especially when things get overwhelming, is the idea of eating an Elephant.  You don't try and it eats it in one sitting. You take it one bite at a time.  We often see the big things in front of us. We see our human ability to accomplish those hurdles and can often be sidetracked, overwhelmed and discouraged.  We see the big picture and not the details in between.  Life was never meant to be taken in all at once. Its a process and is racked full of processes. 

My journey is not over.  It’s just starting. The Mountain I have to climb is just getting started.  (WOW SO MANY METAPHORES).   I love challenges. I love adventures.  If it were a literal mountain, I’d look at it, grit my teeth and plunge through. I wouldn't get part way up and go, "nope, can't do it." I don't have that personality.  I would be too stubborn to ever do that. So why do I want to default to that now?  If I were on an expedition across the country and ran out of gas in Pennsylvania, I wouldn't turn back and go home.  I'd find a way to make the rest of the trip happen. I'd be too excited about the rest of the country I was about to see.   So here we go. Onward and upward.

Day 23: Satisfaction - June 24 2011

Original Post

When i first was thinking about leaving my 9 to 5 admin job, I really was concerned with what i would do with my time. I know me and i do MUCH better with structure. To give me open ended days with no outside structure was super intimidating. On top of that, i had to be self motivating. That isn't always my strong suit either. If given the opportunity, I'd let people come to me every time. I also wasn't 100% confident that photography was what i wanted to do. I felt my skills were extremely limited and in NYC, I knew i was well below the competition. I wasn't sure i had it in me to be the person i would need to be to earn an income.

I guess knowing this about me, I started out with making plans and goals for myself. I also gave myself permission to ease into this. I spent my first few weeks doing more baby sitting then shooting but that in itself motivated me more. It created a little more structure for myself. It also allowed me to get to know a few people more then i would have otherwise.

This last week, I got the opportunity to take maternity shots for one of my close friends which also allowed me to learn photoshop on a much deeper level. I have had so much fun editing photos. I find myself getting lost in one photo. The attention to detail that you need to have to do it is amazing and a tad overwhelming but i am learning lots of patience because of it. I am learning to slow and down and focus.

Because of my new lifestyle and career goals, it is opening me up to do more for myself and especially for other people. I can help friends move, watch friends' children, volunteer at local bookstores, make my roommate dinner (early), bake bread, write blog posts, research for a novel, run without hindrances, wear PJs all day, not wear make up for 3 days, and so much more. Now many of these don't pay the bills but they go beyond that. To hear the gratitude in peoples voices, to see faces light up, the pounds drop off, to grow closer to the Lord, that's all the payment in the world.

The last three weeks have done wonders for my heart and for my confidence. I feel more settled and ready for whatever God has in store for me. I feel far less anxious about what i am doing, who i am and where i am going. There is a point when you take such big steps of faith that you have to resign yourself to God's plan. You can't look back or waver. If you allow doubt to get in, its debilitating and soul sucking. I knew that doubt could be my ruler so i prepared my first few steps to be centered on spending time with the Lord and really securing my hope in him and not in success. Those were key in getting me through these first few weeks.

I don't know where this road is going to take me. I am not sure what i will be doing in 2 months. But i know that for right now, i am basking the grace of God, watching him transform my life and the people around me. I get the privilege of seeing people's needs get met and know that on some level I might have helped.