Singledou[b]t: courtney

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Shifting the Focus

I am so excited to have Courtney from Baxtron{Life} here today! Courtney is a friend in real life as well as a blogger friend and mentor! I've loved getting to know her more this year and I can't wait for you to read her post today! I love fresh, real and meaningful posts and this one is one of those! Grab a good cup of coffee (or tea), sit down and stay awhile!

--------------------

Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life. As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it. I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.

At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire. I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life. But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself." As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.

I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain. And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away. And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.

On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot. He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him. My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio. He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.

In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen. I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered. I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life. And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God. I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child. Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life. Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that someone's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.

That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.

And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him. And now, that choice is the one that will make a much greater impact on my life going forward. I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain. No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow. That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.

As we approach the Christmas holiday, I'm focusing on the gift that I've already received in Jesus. And that means my eyes are on the solution. That means my eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.

I'm Courtney, a Christ-following wife, mama and lifestyle blogger.

My blog Baxtron{Life} is a place where I share everything that I love, lots of pictures of life in NYC with our little family of three, daily musings, fun link-ups and some of the real struggles of my life.

I would love to connect with you via: Twitter, Instagram or Pinterest! Come say hello!

-------------------------------------------

{Post Sponsored by This Lovely}

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

{Guest Post} Season of Lack

Happy Wednesday!

Say a welcome and hello to my friend, Courtney from Baxtron{Life}. She is a friend in real life and in the blogosphere. Thanks Courtney for the stopping by!

-------

#prayer #shereadstruth via baxtronlife

When Jerry and I moved back to NYC in the Fall of 2009, we had no idea that we'd be literally living out of our car, and at the grace of good friends for the first whole month. We had spent the last year and a half completely oblivious to the very real struggles that the dwindling economy were causing people in places outside of Southern Louisiana.

We were reading the articles and seeing the news about millions of Americans being jobless, but we weren't feeling the effect at all. We were in a bubble, making above average and paying below average, in the small community where we lived.

When we knew it was time to head back to NYC, we just packed up our car, made arrangements with a friend to stay for what we thought was going to be a week or so, (just until we got an apartment and jobs) and hit the road. It was a complete shock when finding an apartment became a nightmare, and jobs were few and far between. It became less about choosing a career path for ourselves, and more about just finding a job for some income.

After about 3 weeks at our friends house, we knew our welcome was wearing out, and we headed to a hotel in New Jersey where we reflected on the absolute madness of our very miscalculated plan to just "wing it" when we got back in the city.

While we were both distraught and full of doubt about our situation, we knew in our hearts that God was leading us back to NYC, we had prayed about it, and felt the peace to go. Thanks to God (and Craigslist), Jerry was able to take over a lease on a studio apartment in Harlem that didn't require proof of income, just good credit.

Shortly after that, I ended up connecting with a former co-worker who was able to hire me almost right away into a billing position, that I didn't want, but knew would ultimately get us back on track. One of our main reasons for going back to NYC was Jerry's desire to continue his acting career, building on the foundation that he had already laid there, so he began to pursue that immediately.

Hubs is so GQ @jerrybaxtron via baxtronlife

Despite my job and Jerry's business income, we were in no way making enough to cover all of our expenses. We were feeling the burn of the economy, and now could understand just what the majority of Americans had been feeling for some time. So, as Christians, who are determined to live our lives - not seeking to be blessed - but seeking to be a blessing, what could we do?

Probably one of the more humbling experiences a person can go through in life is a season of lack. Lack is defined as "The state of being without or not having enough of something." Having to constantly decline invitations from people for social outings, or to choose between paying credit cards or eating, can be incredibly damaging to the ego. At the same time, it can be extremely helpful when put in the right perspective.

There is something worthwhile to be found in seasons of lack. For one thing, in America, what we feel as a lack, would still often be luxury to people all over the world. We are quick to lose perspective of just how blessed we are to live in our country. But beyond a compassion for the billions of people living in a perpetual state of poverty around the world, beyond the deep gratitude that comes from realizing all that we have is truly a gift, is the development of true selfless and sacrificial giving.

Despite the hardships we faced during that first year or two back in the city, we've developed into people who truly think constantly about how to be a blessing with what have, and we've become grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we are missing. During that season, we continued to give a percentage of our income to our spiritual family, and when we couldn't give financially, we gave of our time, and what we did have. We fought our tendencies to judge the less fortunate, and instead strove to give to any who asked of us.

Radical generosity is one of our pursuits in life. Jerry and I have always dreamt of being able to "reverse tithe." A tithe is simply 10% of what we receive, so to reverse this, we'd give back 90% of what we receive. As we have moved (by His grace) out of a long season of lack, we are incredibly grateful for the eternal perspective that we gained through that trying time, and we want to encourage anyone who is currently struggling in a season of lack, to not miss out on the priceless treasures that only this season can give you.