When I was 16 years old I thought, like most teenagers, that I would be married by 22, kids by 26 and happily ever after. When 22 happened and passed as did the three year relationship I was in, I still thought I had time. Now I am 36 and husband and kids seems like a light that is about to go out, I am finding myself doubting the one constant dream I have had for my life. But still in what feels like the death of a dream, I am finding hope in my relationships and in my community.
As single people, you find yourself being singled out, whether by expectations of others or expectations of yourself. Your married friends try and reassure you that there is someone out there for you. “In God’s Timing” they say or “You’re still young, you have plenty of time” but its hard to hold onto those statements when moment after moment, relationship after relationship, you find yourself without. Just when you begin to feel comfortable with who you are and where you are, someone decides to question the path you are on. You get statements like “Is there someone special in your life? Or What are you doing to get yourself out there?” Its statements like that that begin to creep into your psyche and make you doubt the path you are on and the God who is guiding you. People don’t realize how those little statements can cut to the core. Its like telling a young girl, “I wouldn’t eat that donut.” Its subtle statements like those that make you question just who you are.
As a Christian female, we are already singled out because of our faith. Especially in New York City. Being a believer makes you somehow weak or limited in the eyes of so many. Being a strong confident woman can begin to feel like a chore, add onto that the expectation to date and have a family. Its somewhat safe in NYC to be single at 30 because its the norm, or rather more of the norm then where I am from. But being single amongst Christians, that’s a little more difficult. Add onto the fact that your sphere of influence doesn’t just mean NYC, its the people in the other corners of the world. But those expectations are nothing compared to the ones I have on myself. I am past the point of thinking that having a partner or family is what makes me, me... but there is still a longing in my soul to share a life with someone, to love some so completely and to bring lives into the world, that are just your own. There is a longing to be loved by someone, to be cherished by someone. That doesn’t make me who I am, but what I desire.
I think in some sense I avoided being defined by being single but now I am realizings its a very real part of who I am and what makes me, Me. I am on a path of finding out who I am not as a single person wanting a family but as a person wanting a life.
This blog is a reflection of who I am day to day, what I am looking for, and the God who tries to make sense of it all. There will be moments of pure honesty. There will be moments of learning. There will be moments of humor. Its really just about the moments we have day to day, moment by moment. Living in them, loving them and learning from them.