Our Words Have Meaning

I am a firm believer that we should always be students. Life s full of lessons and we have a choice to learn in those moments or stay in a land of immaturity, naivety, and ignorance. If we are honest with ourselves we all take the latter road at one point or another. Life or someone in our life may call us on where we are and we may choose to make excuses to stay just where we are. And if we are lucky, life, or the people in our lives, will continue to stick by us even as we live in a state of ignorance. If we are believers our relationship with Christ is hopefully that voice that steers us towards truth. Sometimes our selfishness or our patterns keep us from seeing or hearing that voice. 

I've definitely been there lately. I've chosen the latter, sometimes intentionally and sometimes just simply stuck in my ignorance. One of the voices I've been hearing lately is the one gently correcting me as I rant and rave about the "issues" in my life. If I feel I've been wronged or misunderstood then I complain to someone I trust. Then that complaint seems validated because I feel better and somewhat confirmed in what I've said. Very rarely do I address the issue head on but rather I complain the feelings into life.  I give them feet and hands sometimes. I start looking at the  source of my complaint as the thorn in my flesh instead of the gift they are from God. I no longer look for reconciliation or renewal rather I look for ways to avoid and reject responsibility. 

I am a person who believes the bible is the true word of God and is, among other things, meant to aid and guide us in the way of our Lord Jesus. I believe every word is God breathed and with purpose. I'll be the first to admit I don't get all or much of it and I scratch my head as to the reason for some of it but I also believe those parts have purpose and meaning only the Lord can truly understand.   Given that, I often feel like I have a voice and live a life of a hypocrite because in my actions I am living blatantly outside of what his word speaks to.  My words are not edifying. They don't bring renewal or truth. They are only used to advance my agenda and my desires.  As I was thinking lately about how abrasive my words can be, I've had a few verses pop into mind. As I sat down to look them up I was reminded of the weight of those verses and the impact they can have. 

 

The latter verse strikes a special chord in me! How easily our tongues can destroy any witness we have of the goodness of the lord! 

The thought that started this process happened as I heard myself rant to someone very close to me. I trust this person never to repeat the hurtful things I was spewing but as I was talking I imagined a speaker being hooked up to me without me knowing it and screaming these sad words to the people I never really wanted to hear them. Just how hurt they would be. Then I imagined their hearts breaking at the pettiness I was displaying when a simple conversation would have awoken us all to the pain being experienced.  I started to hear the pettiness, the miss represented behaviors and the lies in what I was feeling and in what I was saying.

As a Christian, God calls us to a higher standard. One that represents his desire for renewal, righteousness and peace, not one of selfish ambition, one upmanship and pride. Finding your way out from under the pile of waste built up over years of bad habits, false ideas and sin seems so daunting. Clinging to the One who brings revival of the spirit and the soul is my only choice and it's one I yearn to have. Choosing to no longer sit idle in the pattern of indifference is my next step; refusing to let spiritual laziness have its hold on me is my next goal.  

The Weekend: My Pathetic Breakdown

I am a classic introvert in an extroverts world.  I work for a church and serve with another church.  Introvert and extrovert are just labels but they are labels best used here to explain my mental state.  

When I say I am an introvert, I don't mean I am anti-social.  I simply mean I don't get my energy from groups of people or social interaction.  I love one on one time with people but I wear out pretty fast when in group situations for long periods of time.

Graphic courtesy of questionablylate.tumblr.com

I have been feeling fairly disconnected lately from the people I care about. Some of it was my own doing. I had unconsciously backed away from things but some of it was circumstances which made it harder to connect with those people. Nothing dramatic or bad just life creating situations where it meant we had to be more intentional.  Anyway, realizing that I was starting to be just that...more intentional.  The lack of connection was making me bitter, sad and alone and that needed to stop.  

But in true Kim fashion, life quickly got out of control.  I had gone from not doing much to do doing alot in a short amount of time.  Added to that work and church life was picking with the start of the new year causing me to have more on my plate.  NONE of which I was complaining about. I was actually loving it.  But before I knew it I was worn out.  The odd part was I wasn't unhappy or depressed or sad but emotionally I was beginning to feel more fragile. I couldn't figure out why all of sudden I wanted to cry.  I was enjoying myself but my emotions had another plan.  I was physically and emotionally tired.  That kind of tired where every part of you aches. You just want to close your eyes.

So this weekend, like every weekend this past month, was packed full of things. 

Sunday, I reached my bowling point.  I woke up early Sunday to get ready for a morning of work but one thing after another kept going wrong. In the grand scheme of things each of these were very very minor but built over the morning on a tired, probably hormonal female, I lost it.  

I woke up to a script for our announcements and a time change that meant mentally I needed to be prepared which normally is fine but not this morning. Then I was late leaving because I was waiting on a file I would need for the service. Then missing my train, I waited 25 minutes for another train making me 20 minutes late for work.  As I was preparing the 42 cup percolator, I realized a key piece was missing making the machine unusable which meant I had to quickly call in a Starbucks order, knowing it would take them 45 minutes.  As I left I asked my best friend to cut bagels for me since I was then going to be running around.  While I was gone, she sliced open her finger.  When I left to get the coffee I was teetering on the verge of an emotional breakdown but the time alone was allowing me to calm down a little.  As I walked back into the school I saw my friend sitting there and walked over to her where she told me she cut her finger. As I looked down to the bloody mess that was her finger I lost it.  Tears came out without the slightest bit of control. My best friend was sitting there consoling me and she had the cut hand.  This reality made me even more upset. I was losing it 1) at work 2) in public and 3) for something that wasn't happening to me but to her.  The anger at myself made the tears come more freely in sobs.  I couldn't gain my composure so I was forced to ashamedly text my boss to tell him I couldn't do my part in the service.  I felt humiliated and stupid for having to tell him I couldn't do it for the reasons listed above :/.  My boss is pretty cool and totally understood but still I felt humiliated. I don't back out of things easily. My sense of obligation is too high in me to ever do that but I couldn't stop crying and he didn't need that mess up there in front of 200 people.

I'd love to say that we came home and chilled out the rest of the day but alas, I had other things I had to do but the rest of the day was filled with less emotional outbursts and more fellowship with people I love which seemed to help.  Knowing that Mondays are an off day for me helped get me through the day.

I can't say that things are a mess in my life and that was what lead to my breakdown. It really was exhaustion.  My ability to process what is happening around me is next to nonexistent when I am tired.  Its the first thing to go and is usually a sign that i need to slow down. My issue lies in that i don't want to slow down, I am enjoying myself but I guess my body disagrees. 

Its so funny to me how differently we are all made.  How we adjust and react to life and situations.  We often want people to react emotionally the same way we do but yet we all have different perspectives, different values, and different personalities.  Times like these help to remind me that we all are different and require different things from the people around us.  We bring different things to the table which is what makes a great community. Celebrating and honoring those differences should be more of what we strive for instead of forcing each other into the same box.  

I hope you all had a great weekend!  

Thanks for stopping by!