Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day 4: Focus Focus Focus - June 7th

I have always been the type of person who is either over committed or unmotivated. Never in between. When I decided to leave my 9 to 5 job to pursue my artistic passions I was worried that I would go from totally over committed and over worked to completely unfocused. It’s been somewhat true. Focus and motivation have been a struggle to say the least. I had a few things I needed to get figured out before I could make progress on anything. I needed to get organized mentally and physically. I also needed to set up the practical items in order to start my business. Things like my website, photo packages, and other projects. This process can't happen over night and somehow I overlooked that fact.

I am learning that I am a little impatient. I want to be able to sit down and figure things out in 1 hour or less. Taking hours, days or weeks to put something together was not in my plan. But realistically it has to be, doesn't it? I can't set up a business over night. It takes time and focus. My only problem with time is that it doesn't put food on the table or pay the rent.

I am also learning that I am a results driven person. I feel like I haven't done anything when I can't see fruits of my labor. Research doesn't bring results right away. It takes time. I spent the entire day researching ways to set up my website. I am a little more educated, but I am not much further along then when I started the day. I think somewhere in the back of my head I thought that I would almost have the website set up. Not realistic is it? Now when I look back on my day, I tend to think it was a waste. Letting myself off the hook is something I will have to do. I can't create a business in a day. And likely it can't be done in a week.

Doubts have been creeping in over the last few days. What did I do? Why did I do it? Was it premature? Are you sure you want to spend your days doing this, pursuing this? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I spent some time with the Lord this morning. In that time I remembered one thing I needed to get out of this time of discovery. I wanted to draw closer to Him. I wanted to pursue his heart. Even if it meant I was poor and unfed. I think that is more my goal than anything else. I don't know what all of this is going to look like in the long run. Will I be a photographer? Will I be a writer? Will I go back to the admin world? Will I be a creator? I don't know! And in some ways, I am not all that worried about what things will look like as long as I am drawing on the strength of the Lord to order my steps. As long as I am falling more and more in love with Him as my father, my creator, my Lord, I don't care what tomorrow looks like. Being content in how he has created me is more important than having any other label. Resting in that knowledge is the only thing that will get me through another day. If I put my faith in my abilities and in my expectations for my career then I will never get very far.

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